


the past and pending

by copperwings



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Crushes, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hand Jobs, Heartbreak, JJ is 17, M/M, Otabek is 16, Otabek is training in Canada, Pining, Pre-Canon, Road Trips, Secret Relationship, getting over heartbreak, some smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-16 09:42:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14162052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/copperwings/pseuds/copperwings
Summary: “You know, I’ve always wanted to see the coast of the Atlantic,” Otabek says to break the silence before it gets uncomfortable.“Mmh,” JJ says, loading the last plates into the washer. Then he perks up. “Oh, we should go to Prince Edward Island sometime,” he continues. “It’s gorgeous out there.”Otabek drops the spoons in the dishwasher’s utensil basket like a challenge. He glances at JJ, in his sleeveless tank top and khaki shorts that shouldn’t look good on anyone, but somehow on JJ they do.“How about today?”-or: the pre-canon fic of where Otabek went to Canada, learned the quad sal and fell hard (but not on the ice).





	1. Chapter 1

They are alone in the house for the morning. JJ’s parents are at the rink with one of JJ’s little sisters and the rest of the vast family has, for once, mercifully vanished as well.

Otabek and JJ stand side by side in the kitchen as they load everyone’s breakfast dishes into the dishwasher. JJ’s arm brushes Otabek’s every now and then when he reaches for something, and Otabek can’t help the way he startles at the touch. JJ seems to notice it; his movements become more cautious and he shifts just a bit, bringing a few more inches between them.

“You know, I’ve always wanted to see the coast of the Atlantic,” Otabek says to break the silence before it gets uncomfortable.

“Mmh,” JJ says, loading the last plates into the washer. Then he perks up. “Oh, we should go to Prince Edward Island sometime,” he continues. “It’s gorgeous out there.”

Otabek drops the spoons in the dishwasher’s utensil basket like a challenge. He glances at JJ, in his sleeveless tank top and khaki shorts that shouldn’t look good on anyone, but somehow on JJ they do.

“How about today?”

JJ’s mouth opens and closes, and Otabek sees him formulating a negative response. They can’t, they don’t have permission, what will his parents say?

Otabek raises one eyebrow. “Unless you’re scared of what your parents will say?”

“Fuck, no,” JJ says, but he glances around right after, like his parents will materialize out of thin air to scold him for swearing.

Otabek is fairly sure JJ didn’t swear before Otabek came around. So it’s either his merit or fault that JJ does that, now. It’s like JJ is trying to impress him.

Otabek hopes that’s the case.

JJ shifts, the last remaining tea mug still in his grasp.

“So, what are we waiting for?” Otabek asks.

JJ swallows and puts the mug into the dishwasher. “Okay,” he mutters. “Okay. Let’s go.”

A few moments later, JJ is hesitating again. He lets out a nervous-sounding giggle. “Are we really going to do this?”

Otabek gives him an even stare. “We’re doing this,” he tells JJ.

“My parents are going to flip,” JJ says, and another giggle bubbles up from his throat.

“Well, if you turn the engine on _now_ , we can be in another province by the time they even notice,” Otabek points out. The Quebec province border is not that far from Toronto.

They’re in the garage. Specifically, they’re in JJ’s dad’s car, the fancy sports model that has seats so low Otabek feels like he’s sinking to ground level when he sits down. JJ is sitting in the driver’s seat, his hands on the steering wheel in a ten-two position like he’s doing a driver’s ed class instead of performing an escape from his parents.

“We’re doing this,” JJ finally decides and turns the engine on. He pushes a button on a remote to open the garage door, and the garage is slowly filled with bright light.

Outside, the mid-June morning sun is beating the front lawn relentlessly. Toronto is not as hot as Almaty, but Otabek feels the rays warming his skin through the car windows as JJ backs the car outside.

JJ backs into the driveway and turns the car around in a few snappy movements. It has such a low center of gravity that the sharp turns feel odd, because the car doesn’t tilt along with the movements but inertia makes sure Otabek does.

“Whoa,” JJ says, stopping the car before they leave the yard. “I forgot this thing _kicks_.” He sounds childishly excited.

“Well, let’s _go_ ,” Otabek urges. If any of JJ’s family members come back right now, they’re done for.

“What about practice in the afternoon?” JJ suddenly asks.

“We’re not going to die if we miss one practice,” Otabek says.

“You might not,” JJ mutters.

“C’mon, we’ve been practicing every day,” Otabek groans. Which, granted, is what he came here to do, but that’s beside the point. “We haven’t done anything _fun_.” Which isn’t entirely true, but close enough. They’ve done plenty of things with JJ’s family. They’ve visited Toronto sights and had game nights and gone swimming, but this is different. Otabek wants this to be just them. JJ and him.

“We might get arrested,” JJ mutters. “I’m not sure if I’m allowed to have passengers under 19 in my car at night.”

“JJ,” Otabek says patiently. “It’s nine in the morning.”

“It’s like a twenty-hour drive to Prince Edward Island,” JJ points out.

“Fine. You wanna back out?” Otabek asks. His tone is a challenge, and JJ knows it as well as Otabek does.

“No,” JJ replies, but it sounds more like a question than a statement.

Otabek raises his eyebrows and points toward the street. “Then let’s go.”

JJ inhales audibly. “Okay. Let’s do this.” He sounds like he’s having the best time and the worst time of his life.

Otabek looks at JJ’s brow, furrowed in determination. Otabek allows himself a tiny smile. When Otabek first came to Toronto, he thought JJ was loud and kind of stuck-up. Now Otabek knows JJ is also nervous and emotional, has self-esteem issues he doesn’t want anyone to see and he is not as arrogant as he first seemed.

The car moves smoothly from the driveway to the street, and then JJ slams the gas pedal down. The engine roars and the car shoots forward, and Otabek feels a sense of exhilaration as he is pushed back into his seat. He laughs at the sheer force of the engine.

“Yeah!” JJ shouts and whoops. He’s grinning from ear to ear as they zoom through the neighborhood and toward the highway. Otabek leans back in his seat and enjoys the rumble of the engine’s power underneath him.

After a while, Otabek connects his phone to the car stereo over Bluetooth, because what’s a road trip without music? Nothing, that’s what. He scrolls down and settles for a playlist with upbeat songs; easy-going like he would like the atmosphere to be. Music influences emotions, and Otabek is a firm believer that one can build an atmosphere with music.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work. At least not when it comes to JJ, who can become a nervous wreck even with the most calming music in the background. At first, it baffled Otabek, but then he realized that not everyone is as affected by music as he is.

Despite Otabek’s feel-good playlist, JJ starts freaking out again when they hit the highway. “This is crazy,” he says in a tone that’s between awed and terrified. “We are crazy.”

“Yes we are,” Otabek confirms. “Insane. Mad. Out of our minds.” He grins at JJ. “Awesome, isn’t it?”

“Nutcases.” JJ laughs, loud and free. “ _Très foldingues_ ,” he says, the French syllables rolling from his tongue easily.

Otabek likes the way JJ sounds when he speaks French. JJ’s English is loud and boisterous, but his French is softer, melodic. It flows like water.

“Oh, put on some decent road trip music,” JJ says, glancing at Otabek.

Otabek looks at him incredulously. “Alright, Mr. Decent Road Trip Music. Tell me, what constitutes as _decent_ _road trip music_?” he asks, scrolling down the selection of playlists.

JJ shrugs. “I don’t know. Some rock music. They always have rock music in the movies when they do road trips.”

It figures that JJ has only experienced road trips through movies. Not that Otabek is an expert on the subject either but he’s done a few. Granted, those were a bit shorter than this one they’ve currently embarked on, but either way. He has experience.

This seems to confirm what he’s been thinking all along: JJ has never done anything without his parents’ permission. Just like he didn’t swear before Otabek came around.

Otabek glances to his left. Does this constitute as corrupting JJ?

JJ is steering the car in a more relaxed manner now, leaning back in his seat with his sunglasses perched on his nose. The sunlight through the car windows paints his skin golden and makes his side profile a starkly lit silhouette.

Otabek puts on a random classic rock playlist that begins with the Beatles.

Otabek’s eyes follow the line of JJ’s throat and the curve of his lips as JJ sings along to _Hello, Goodbye_.

He averts his gaze and looks down at the phone on his lap.

“My parents are going to call in like an hour and ask me where I am and why did I take dad’s car,” JJ says. “What am I going to tell them?”

“That I’ve corrupted you,” Otabek supplies, and his voice feels a little hoarse.

JJ laughs. “I can’t do that. They’d send you home, and I haven’t yet taught you how to land the quad sal!”

“Then don’t,” Otabek says.

JJ glances to his right. “Don’t what?”

“Don’t answer,” Otabek says. His voice sounds alien in his ears, like he’s suggesting treason or murder instead of just ignoring a phone call.

JJ’s face twists in a way that says that to him, this idea might as well _be_ treason or murder.

They stop for gas and snacks at a gas station off the highway, because what is a road trip without snacks? Nothing, that’s what, at least according to JJ.

JJ fills the tank and keeps glancing at his phone as they go in for soda and snacks. Otabek lowers a hand on JJ’s arm when he checks his phone for the tenth time. JJ’s skin is warm under his touch.

“JJ,” Otabek says.

JJ’s sunglasses are pushed up on his head, and his eyes look a bit lost, wandering here and there before finally locking on Otabek’s.

“What if they’re mad?” JJ asks in a low tone. “No, actually, worse. What if they’re _worried_?”

His concern is valid, and also kind of cute. Otabek bites the inside of his lip to not say it out loud. JJ is the type to freak out about things, but Otabek can’t have him do that at a gas station off the highway.

“Text them,” Otabek finally says, allowing his hand to drop from JJ’s arm. “Tell them we’re taking the day off, that you’re showing me around, and not to worry.”

“I took Dad’s car,” JJ mutters weakly, but he’s already typing a message on his phone.

“I’m sure they’ll forgive you,” Otabek says. “After all, isn’t that like the Christian _thing_? Forgiveness?”

JJ rolls his eyes in response. He looks miserable as he pockets the phone, but he perks up when Otabek offers him the bag of M&Ms they just bought.

“No eating in the car, though,” JJ says.

Otabek can’t resist rolling his eyes as he sighs and agrees with a, “No eating in daddy’s car, got it.”

JJ shoves him in the arm. “Don’t do that,” he mutters. “Don’t call it _daddy’s_ car,” JJ clarifies when Otabek looks at him with raised eyebrows.

Otabek stares at JJ, completely deadpan, until JJ averts his gaze.

“Let’s go,” JJ says. His ears look a bit red as they cross the parking lot and fold themselves into the car.

“Can I drink water in daddy’s car?” Otabek asks, still deadpan.

“Beks!” JJ groans. “I told you, don’t call it that.”

“What, daddy’s car? It _is_ your father’s car,” Otabek points out.

“Ugh.” The blush travels from JJ’s ears to his cheeks, and Otabek stares at the heat spreading under his skin. “You make it sound so…”

“Dirty?” Otabek suggests with a grin. “So, water, yes or no?”

“Sure, I guess,” JJ caves. He drops the bag of M&Ms in the cupholder between the seats.

Otabek keeps his eyes on JJ as he slowly unscrews the cap. He takes a long swig from the bottle, and from the corner of his eye he sees JJ watching as he swallows. When Otabek lowers the bottle from his lips, JJ turns to look away.

“Thirsty?” Otabek offers the bottle in JJ’s direction.

JJ grabs the bottle and drinks from it. His hand is shaking slightly when he gives it back. Otabek takes the bottle and screws the cap on. “Shall we?” he asks, motioning toward the highway.

Otabek switches the playlist to one of his own when they get going again, and drowns JJ’s protests in some bass drops. As revenge, JJ pushes the gas pedal to the floor so Otabek is forcefully pressed against the backrest of his heat. Otabek enjoys the sensation immensely. He’s always loved fast things; motorcycles, cars and jet fighters. He can’t wait to go home in the fall and drive his motorcycle to the hills surrounding Almaty.

About an hour and a half into their trip, JJ makes a weird face. “My phone keeps buzzing,” he says in an unhappy tone without looking away from the road.

“Give it to me,” Otabek holds out a hand. JJ has to squirm to get the device out of his shorts pocket one-handed, but eventually he manages and hands it over to Otabek. Otabek glances at the screen. There are several missed calls and messages keep popping up on the screen. Most of them are from JJ’s parents, but there are a few from his siblings as well. They’re not as much furious as they are worried, though.

Otabek switches the phone from vibrate to silent, and the buzzing stops.

Then they start bombarding Otabek’s phone with messages, so in the end he silences his as well.

JJ doesn’t say anything, but his jawline has grown tight; like he’s worriedly gritting his teeth together. Like this isn’t fun anymore.

Otabek sighs. He taps his fingers on his thigh along with the music and waits until he sees a rest stop sign pop up. “Pull over there,” he says, pointing at the exit to the rest stop.

JJ does as he’s told.

Once the car is parked, Otabek gets out and walks to the driver’s side.

He pulls the driver’s side door open and tilts his head. JJ’s expression is conflicted, so Otabek holds out a hand.

JJ grabs the offered hand and Otabek pulls him up from the car, and then, without even thinking, he wraps his arms around JJ and hugs him close.

JJ hugs him back easily. Being tactile is JJ’s forte. If anything, he seems surprised that Otabek is offering this form of consolation freely. Otabek usually isn’t a touchy-feely kind of guy. He finds himself _wanting_ to be when JJ is near, though.

“We can go back,” Otabek says into JJ’s shoulder, his lips nearly touching JJ’s skin. “If this isn’t fun for you, we can go back.”

He has a million other things he wants to say. _I wanted to steal you away so I can have you all to myself for a while, no parents or siblings or anything like that. Just us._

He keeps the thoughts to himself. JJ doesn’t see him like that. But in these moments when JJ hugs him, Otabek wants to believe he could.

“No,” JJ says, finally pulling back from the hug. His voice sounds thick at the first syllable, but he clears his throat and when he continues, he sounds certain. “I promised you the Atlantic. So the Atlantic you will get.”

Otabek smiles. “That’s the spirit.”

It’s as if the hug reinvigorates JJ’s determination to have fun, because he’s like a different person from the one that climbed out of the car just a minute ago.

When they get back on the road again, Otabek pulls up his phone and inserts their destination to his maps.

“You weren’t exaggerating the travel time, I see,” Otabek says. “According to GPS, we’ll be going past Montreal in about three hours. And from there it’s still way over ten hours to Prince Edward Island.”

“Told you,” JJ says. “Canada is kind of big.”

Otabek’s phone keeps flashing with message notifications, and he sees JJ’s is doing the same in the cupholder. Otabek ignores the messages and switches the music playlist to something lighter.

“Elevator music.” JJ snorts, glancing briefly at Otabek.

“This is _not_ elevator music,” Otabek defends. “I’m trying to create an atmosphere.”

“If you aimed for the atmosphere of a hotel elevator then this is perfect,” JJ teases. “Reminds me of that hotel in the juniors last season.”

“Which one?” Otabek asks.

“All of them,” JJ replies, and Otabek can practically _hear_ him rolling his eyes behind the sunglasses. “I guess when you have seen one you have seen them all.”

“Like rinks,” Otabek muses. “They’re all the same.”

“Yeah.” JJ adjusts his sunglasses and passes a Volkswagen that looks like it’s being held together by faith and duct tape.

“Are you looking forward to the next season?” Otabek asks.

JJ grins. “Duh. Aren’t you?”

Otabek purses his lips. JJ is one of those skaters who has such natural talent for the sport that he’s never had to struggle for it. Of course JJ works hard, as Otabek has witnessed over the summer, but there’s an effortlessness to his movements on ice that can only spark from natural inclination.

Otabek can get to the same level as JJ, but sometimes he feels like he has to work twice as hard to get even close. Even though skating is everything to him, it sometimes gets overwhelming when he’s confronted with someone like JJ, who makes Otabek feel like he’s a dabbling child without even trying.

Which is another reason why Otabek wanted to take a break from practice. The last three days have been harsh. The ice is an unforgiving mistress, as the bruises on Otabek’s body prove. His shorts fail to cover the blooming contusions on his knees and legs, but at least the ones on his hips and ass are hidden.

“Of course I look forward to it,” Otabek says after a break that’s way too long for his words to sound believable anymore. “It’s just… the past few days have been rough.”

JJ hums under his breath, agreeing. He was there, he’s seen Otabek struggle with the new things he’s trying to learn.

JJ’s finger taps on the steering wheel with the song he moments ago scornfully called _elevator music_ , and Otabek grins at the tiny motion. His eyes slide from JJ’s fingers to his hands and along the length of his arms. JJ’s arms are tanned and the muscles under the skin are defined. Moving up, Otabek takes in the rest of him. The top part of JJ’s hair looks like a wind-blown mess, and the freshly buzzed undercut looks soft and fuzzy. Otabek wants to run his fingers through it, to feel what it’s like. JJ’s sunglasses are aviator style and they make him look like he just stepped out of a fashion magazine.

JJ looks good driving a car. Hell, JJ _always_ looks good. Otabek allows the thought to linger for a moment, then banishes it to the back of his mind where he stores a whole set of thoughts related to JJ.

“I’ve been thinking about getting an undercut,” Otabek blurts out.

“Oh?” JJ asks, grinning. He detaches one hand from the steering wheel and runs his fingers over the buzzed hairs at the back of his head. “Well, it’s cool in the summer, I can tell you.”

“Yeah. I’m not sure how it would look on me, though,” Otabek confesses. JJ can rock the undercut, but Otabek can’t imagine himself with one. He runs his fingers down his hair from the crown to the back of his neck, imagining what it would be like if it was shorter at the sides and the back.

“You’d look great,” JJ says. “I’ll cut it for you if you want.”

“Really?” Otabek asks.

“Sure. I’ve been cutting my own for six months now. It’s not that difficult.”

Otabek nods. “Too bad you didn’t take the buzzer with you,” he says. “We could have done it now.”

JJ laughs. “I don’t think I can do it while driving,” he remarks.

“That’s what she said,” Otabek jabs back and enjoys the way JJ’s ears turn red again. “Not like _right now_ , but tonight. When we get there. _If_ we get there.” The road seems to go on forever and the GPS is letting him know they are still two hours away from Montreal.

JJ glances at him. “We’ll get there,” he says. He sounds sure, and Otabek doesn’t know at which point they switched roles in the anxiety department.

Perhaps it was around that time when Otabek realized he has JJ all to himself, even if the implications of that aren’t exactly what he’d like them to be. But the hopeful thoughts are there, in that small compartment of hidden thoughts in his brain where he’s been storing them. They are always there, waiting, and as soon as they get a chance, they come back with a vengeance.

Like right now, he finds himself staring at JJ’s side profile, thinking about what it would be like to loop one hand behind JJ’s neck, touch the short hairs at the nape of his neck and push his tongue into JJ’s mouth.

“Earth to Beks,” JJ says cheerfully, and Otabek forces his eyes to focus on the road again.

“I was just,” Otabek begins, then glances at his phone. “There’s still a long way to go,” he starts again.

“Are you backing off on me, Beks?” JJ gasps. “Just as I was beginning to enjoy our little getaway.”

“No, but I’m pretty sure your parents are going to be blaming me for this impromptu road trip, and I want to get back to Almaty in one piece.” Going back to Almaty is still two months away, though. There’s a lot that can happen in two months.

“They’ll be mad for a while,” JJ says after a moment’s silence. “But I’m sure they’ll calm down eventually. Christian forgiveness, eh?”

 

-

 

They pass Montreal in the afternoon, even though Otabek wouldn’t even know if JJ didn’t point it out. Otabek tries to peek over JJ to see the city through the car window, but the highway is mostly surrounded by fields and forests, the cityscape hidden from view.

“I’ll take you to Montreal someday,” JJ promises. “I’m pretty sure my parents were planning a family trip there some weekend anyway.”

Otabek gives a short nod. He’s selfish, he knows, but he can’t bring himself to be excited. It’s not going to be the same with JJ’s entire family trailing along.

Soon after passing Montreal, JJ exits the highway to another gas station. “I need to stretch and clear my head a bit.”

Otabek frowns at the unsaid implication. Of course it’s tiring to drive for hours on end. “I wish we could take turns driving.”

JJ’s smile is warm. “It’s fine. At least you’re an easier travel companion than Lydie. She complains about everything. Either it’s too hot or too cold in the car, the music is too loud or too quiet and so on and so forth.”

Otabek snorts. That does sound a lot like something Lydie would do. She is one of JJ’s younger sisters, and Otabek doesn’t really like her. Not that he’s particularly fond of JJ’s family in general, but Lydie takes the cake when it comes to being annoying. He wonders if his own sister Anara is going to be as annoying when she is fourteen.

They get sandwiches at the gas station and sit on the curb beside the car to eat them. In the glaring heat of the afternoon, beads of sweat form on JJ’s temples, and when their arms brush the touch of skin on skin is sticky. It should be gross, but somehow, it isn’t.

“So we should be there around one in the morning,” JJ says thoughtfully after swallowing a piece of his sandwich. He reaches for the can of energy drink at his feet.

Otabek is beginning to think this might not have been the best idea ever, but he can’t bring himself to suggest they turn back. This might be the only chance he gets to be alone with JJ. Sure, they have practice together, which means they’re mostly alone on the ice. But they’re not alone at the rink, because JJ’s parents are always there, shouting instructions and giving feedback from the sidelines. At JJ’s house, there’s usually one or more of his siblings causing a racket somewhere. There have been brief moments of just them, playing video games in JJ’s room or watching a movie in the basement, but Otabek craves for more. Now he has it. Even though it’s not _exactly_ what he wanted.

“Hey.” Otabek nudges JJ with his elbow. “It’s awesome you’re doing this.”

JJ smiles and lifts his sunglasses to look at Otabek. “ _We’re_ doing this,” he says, and Otabek gets stuck on the first word. Despite the heat of the afternoon, a shiver runs down his spine and causes a wave of goosebumps in its wake. He looks over the parking lot, hoping that if he ignores the goosebumps, maybe JJ won’t see them either.

JJ finishes his sandwich and tosses the package toward the trashcan nearby. He misses by a mile and jumps to his feet, grumbling as he goes to fetch the package.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” JJ says after the package has found its target in among the trash.

Otabek watches him as he crosses the parking lot. JJ is slim yet muscular in build and taller than Otabek. When he stands beside Otabek his chin is level with Otabek’s nose. Watching him go, Otabek tries—and fails—to not stare at JJ’s ass. Even in those stupid khaki shorts it looks amazing. Above his ass, the sporty tank top shows off his shoulders and Otabek can see the line of his spine through the fabric.

Otabek swallows his last piece of sandwich and grabs his unopened soda can. It’s still cool, and he presses the can against his forehead in an attempt to exile the stray thoughts about running his tongue down JJ’s spine. He can almost imagine the salty taste of summer sweat, and he presses the can harder into his forehead, hoping that his brain freezes before the thoughts can travel any further than that.

Otabek leans on the hood of the car when JJ walks back. JJ has an ice cream cone, and he passes it to Otabek for a bite.

“I sent your parents an apology,” Otabek says through the mouthful of ice cream, looking down at his phone. “I also let them know we’re not dead.”

“Awesome,” JJ says sarcastically and leans on the hood as well. “Well, they can only ground me until I’m eighteen, and my birthday is less than a month away.”

Otabek looks up from his phone. Right, JJ is turning eighteen in July.

They pass the ice cream cone between them, and Otabek tries to ignore the way JJ is leaning against his shoulder. It feels intentional, but the reason behind the gesture eludes him.

“Are you tired?” Otabek asks, because there is no way in hell he’s going to let JJ drive if he’s tired.

JJ pulls back. “No, not at all,” he says. “We should get going.”

 

-

 

Otabek falls asleep and only wakes up when JJ shakes him gently.

“We’re at a gas station again. I figured you might wanna use the bathroom,” JJ says.

Otabek blinks, realizing that deep shadows are stretching across the gas station parking lot. When he glances up the sun is hanging low above the horizon. “How long was I out?” he asks.

“A couple of hours,” JJ says. “You were snoring. It was kind of cute.”

“Shut up,” Otabek retorts on autopilot, and then his brain registers the word _cute_ and grinds to a halt for several seconds. “I do not snore,” he finally manages.

JJ raises an eyebrow and grins. He’s discarded the sunglasses, so Otabek can see the mischievous gleam in his eyes as he asks, “How would you know? The only time you do it is when you sleep.”

Otabek grumbles and refuses a childish urge to poke his tongue out at JJ. He clambers out of the car, limbs stiff from sitting still, and limps to the gas station bathroom. His muscles are sore and the bruises on his body are reminding him of their existence.

JJ is at the checkout when Otabek comes out of the bathroom. “Water?” he asks, and when Otabek nods, yawning, he adds another water bottle to his purchase.

Outside the gas station, Otabek checks his phone and is surprised when he realizes they only have a few more hours to go.

“How long was I out really?” Otabek asks accusingly, giving JJ a nudge with his elbow.

JJ ducks out of the way and looks sheepish. “I don’t know. We passed Ville de Quebec some time ago.”

Otabek pulls up the map and searches for the name along the route. “A couple of hours? More like five hours,” he snorts.

They circle to their respective sides of the car and JJ unlocks the doors.

“I don’t mind that you slept, but the music stopped at some point,” JJ complains. “Can you put something on?”

Otabek presses play on a random playlist.

“Something I can sing to,” JJ urges. “What? It keeps me awake,” he says when Otabek groans.

The following hour is filled with JJ’s karaoke requests, and Otabek thought he could not fall harder for this guy. However, hearing JJ belt out a perfect rendition of Rihanna, followed by a not-so-solid performance of Queen is hot in some peculiar way. JJ is no Freddie Mercury, but his charisma is pretty close. He delivers the high notes completely off-key but he manages to be convincing about it. It’s astonishing and ridiculous and Otabek feels his fingers trembling as they itch to pull JJ close by his shirt and kiss him. That would be dangerous, not only because JJ is driving, but because Otabek is better off not telling JJ about the ever-growing crush he has been harboring for weeks now.

“I’m thinking about doing my own music for a skate someday,” JJ reveals when there’s a song on the playlist he doesn’t know the lyrics to.

Otabek looks at him. “Really?”

“Yeah, I mean I know some guys in a band, I’m sure they’d agree to record with me.”

“As in, you’d sing your own skate music?” Otabek asks skeptically.

“Hey, fuck you, I’m not _that_ bad,” JJ says, grinning.

Otabek smiles and purses his lips, measuring JJ with his eyes. “Well, I guess you’re not,” he says, both in reference to JJ’s singing and JJ himself.

“I saw that,” JJ comments, rolling his eyes. “You’re just jealous.” He detaches one hand from the steering wheel and flexes his muscles. Otabek swallows at the sight. There are a thousand haunting thoughts circling his mind like vultures, all wanting to escape past his lips to reveal what he’s really thinking.

“Sure, jealous,” Otabek deadpans. “I’m sure Freddie Mercury would be jealous of your high notes,” he remarks. “Or not.”

JJ laughs. “You’re paying for that one.”

“What, you’re going to sing more?” Otabek says, and feels like the danger has passed.

JJ slaps his shoulder without looking. “Jackass.”

 

-

 

The last hour of the drive is scary and exhilarating. Otabek can see JJ is getting tired, because he keeps pinching the back of his hand on the steering wheel. Otabek talks to keep him awake. It feels unnatural, because he’s not the most talkative type. Talking more than usual also means there’s the additional possibility of him blurting out something he shouldn’t blurt out.

Under the pretense of keeping JJ awake, Otabek asks all kinds of questions. It’s a good disguise, because he can hide some meaningful questions between nonchalant stuff, like _what’s your favorite movie?_ can be followed by a _so, as a Christian, what do you think about gay marriage?_

JJ glances at him a few times like he knows what Otabek is doing, but Otabek keeps a straight face and doesn’t reveal any emotions behind his game of questions.

“I don’t really think anything concerning that,” JJ replies. “I mean, it wasn’t something I actively thought about. It wasn’t anything that concerned me, you know? But of course I think everyone should be able to marry the person they love. It just… wasn’t anything to me personally.”

“Did something change?” Otabek asks, voice carefully neutral.

JJ glances at him questioningly.

“You said it _wasn’t_ anything to you. Why the past tense?”

JJ shrugs. “I don’t know.”

It’s past midnight, and the surrounding world has fallen under a veil of darkness. Traffic is almost nonexistent. They see few other cars, and most vehicles they encounter are heavy cargo trucks. JJ shows off by shooting past the trucks, and his smile is full of childish excitement as the car accelerates, leaving the trucks far behind in a matter of seconds.

The headlights pierce the dark and show the road ahead, but other than that, Otabek can only see some vague forms that are probably hills or trees, or a lot of flat land occupied by fields. Every now and then they pass a small town, only indicated by groups of lights blinking some distance away from the road.

Otabek wants to think the darkness hides the way he’s staring at JJ.

JJ looks tired, but he also looks happy. He looks _free_ , like he’s doing something crazy for himself for the first time ever.

That alone makes this worth it, even if JJ’s parents are going to make mincemeat of Otabek once they get back.

“Bridge ahead!” JJ suddenly shouts, and Otabek startles. He looks from JJ to ahead where the beams of the headlights chase the darkness away.

Sure enough, a trail of streetlights winds ahead, forming the shape of the bridge beneath them.

There is a toll booth before the bridge, but JJ says it only applies when leaving the island, so they drive past the small booth without stopping. The car zooms up as the road tilts, and then they’re high above the dark water. Otabek tries to squint to see the ocean below, but the darkness covers everything aside from the bridge ahead. It’s as if they’re on a narrow strip of road with nothing below it. It’s a freaky feeling.

When they cross to the other side, JJ holds up his palm. “Holy crap, Beks, we made it. We’re on Prince Edward Island. This is insane!”

Otabek slaps his palm against JJ’s. “Awesome, right?”

JJ grins so wide that it looks almost painful. “Yeah, definitely.”

The excitement only lasts for a short while.

Specifically, it lasts until they realize they can’t get a room at any of the hotels. Most of them are full, and the ones with vacancies turn them away for being underaged.

“I’m a damn month away from being eighteen,” JJ says, sighing, as they walk out of the third hotel lobby and stop outside the doors. “This is fucking stupid.”

Otabek hums under his breath and puts a reassuring arm around JJ’s shoulder. It’s getting chilly in the night, too, so the skin under his touch is cool.

Without a word, JJ turns and hugs Otabek tightly. Otabek tries to memorize the sensation of closeness; tries to inhale JJ’s scent without being conspicuous about it. JJ smells slightly sweaty and a lot like that cologne he uses, and it’s a scent that’s become familiar over the weeks Otabek has spent in the same house with JJ.

“We can always sleep in the car?” Otabek finally says, mumbling the words into JJ’s shoulder.

“We’re going to freeze to death,” JJ says mournfully.

“We can turn the heating on every now and then,” Otabek suggests. “Or something.”

He doesn’t offer suggestions as to what that _something_ might be, but JJ exhales in a way that sounds like laughter.

JJ finally disentangles himself from the hug and tugs Otabek to the car by the arm. “First I guess we need to find a safe place to park for the night.”

In the end, they park behind a gas station that’s closed for the night. “Close enough to civilization so we don’t get murdered but not in plain sight where the cops might take an interest,” JJ explains.

Otabek still finds it weird that in Canada, parking lots are considered such private property that it’s not allowed to park overnight in a grocery store parking area. Apparently the police will arrive and tell you it’s forbidden to park there when the store is closed.

“They just want to keep vandalism and crime to a minimum, so they send you to a camping site with security measures,” JJ says. “Or they wanna make sure people aren’t fucking in their cars in public places, I guess.”

Otabek raises one eyebrow. “You make it sound like that’s a huge problem,” he states.

JJ waggles his eyebrows. “I guess it’s only a problem if you make it one.”

Otabek swallows and then huffs out a confused laugh. It seems the farther away they are from Toronto, the more JJ behaves like he is _flirting_ with Otabek.

But Otabek has watched JJ for a while now. JJ behaves like that with everyone. He’s by nature a huge flirt who everyone seems to love.

And Otabek is right there with the rest of the world.


	2. Chapter 2

The world falls quiet when JJ turns the car engine off. They had the heaters on full blast for a while, and for the time being the car is nice and toasty. However, they’re both wearing only shorts and sleeveless shirts, so Otabek knows it’s going to get cold soon.

The back wall of the gas station is dark, contrasted with the bright signs at the front, their light glowing from around the corner. A lone streetlight blinks in and out of existence, the slight night wind blocking it with tree branches every now and then. They lean back into the seats with the backrests lowered as far down as they go. JJ grins at Otabek in the dim light, and Otabek smiles back.

JJ huffs out a laugh. “We didn’t really plan this trip too well, did we?”

“No,” Otabek agrees. “But that’s part of the charm, you know. Do stupid stuff, worry later. I mean, that’s what being young is supposed to be like, right?”

JJ looks up at the ceiling. “I guess. It’s just been skating, and more skating, and school and church and all that stuff. And I love it, I love my life. But Beks…” He looks back at Otabek. “I’m glad you came over to Canada to train.”

“Yeah,” Otabek breathes, smiling at the nickname. JJ started calling him _Beks_ not two days into his stay in Canada. No one has ever called him Beks before JJ, and Otabek likes the way JJ says it. Like it’s something that comes naturally between them; a pet name, or an endearment.

Well, one can wish.

“I feel like you’re pushing me out of my comfort zone,” JJ muses. “Like six months ago if someone told me I’d be borrowing my dad’s car without permission, skipping practice to drive sixteen hours away because some guy _challenged_ me to, I wouldn’t have believed them.” He laughs softly.

Otabek laughs. “Completely out of our minds, right? What was the French word you used again?”

JJ smiles. “ _Foldingues_ ,” he says. “Basically it just means nutcases.”

“You could make a t-shirt out of that.” Otabek holds out his fist, and JJ’s smile only widens as he bumps his own against it.

It’s past two in the morning on Prince Edward Island, and they’re slumped in JJ’s father’s car behind a closed gas station. It’s slowly getting colder inside the car, and Otabek feels a bizarre sensation like he’s never been _alive_ before this. It’s as if he’s suddenly aware of this moment more than he’s ever been aware of any moment before. It’s an unsettling feeling, but not an unpleasant one.

JJ falls asleep soon. Otabek watches him when it happens, and his throat constricts a little, seeing how JJ blinks sleepily and then drifts out of consciousness. It’s one of those weirdly vulnerable moments in human existence; falling asleep next to someone.

Otabek doesn’t feel tired, so he stays up and watches JJ sleeping. It’s the first time he can stare all he wants, without fear of being caught. In sleep, JJ’s features are relaxed, his usually lively eyebrows unmoving lines above his closed eyes. His mouth is slightly open, and his hair is in disarray, tufts sticking here and there and falling over his forehead.

He’s so fucking handsome it hurts.

Otabek shivers slightly as it gets colder in the car. He would give all his money for a blanket right now. By the time he’s sufficiently tired he’s too cold to fall asleep, so he stays awake, shivering and twisting in his seat.

“Beks?” JJ asks drowsily a few hours later when Otabek is curled into a small ball on his seat, trying to conserve heat. “Are you cold?”

“A bit,” Otabek manages through his teeth. He glances up from where he is hugging his knees to his chest, and JJ is blinking sleepily and running his hand through his hair, looking infuriatingly warm and cozy.

JJ shakes his head as if to get rid of the remnants of sleep. He turns the key in the ignition, and the car engine comes to life.

“It’s gonna take a while for the engine to warm up,” JJ mutters. He reaches out a hand and touches Otabek’s shoulder. “Fuck, Beks, you’re freezing.”

Otabek leans into the touch. JJ’s hand feels warms against his skin.

“Come here,” JJ says. His hand snakes under Otabek’s arm and he tugs. Otabek follows the tugging motion without resistance and finds himself pulled awkwardly halfway between the front seats, with JJ’s arms wrapped around him and the handbrake between the seats pressing into his thigh. Otabek’s cheek is smushed against JJ’s collarbone, but he makes no attempt to pull away. Instead, he tries to get closer without merging into JJ. How can JJ be so fucking warm?

After what feels like an eternity, warm puffs of air start blowing from the air vents. Otabek makes a content noise and leans his head on JJ’s shoulder. He’s not sleeping, but JJ seems to think he is, because he reaches one hand up and strokes an errant strand of hair off Otabek’s face.

Otabek opens his eyes slowly and looks up. JJ is staring back at him, and Otabek realizes that he didn’t think Otabek was asleep after all.

Which means JJ did it because he _wanted_ to touch Otabek’s hair.

Otabek’s head starts running wild with all manner of thoughts, but none of them seem to want to come out of his mouth. He inhales, then swallows. JJ is still looking at him, his fingers smoothing Otabek’s hair back from his face.

“You know, I don’t know what to do with this,” JJ says in a tone that’s quiet and edging on nervous.

Otabek finally manages to form a word. “This…?” he asks and hopes it’s enough to get JJ to clarify.

“You,” JJ begins. “Or these… _feelings_.” His face is open, vulnerable in the dim light, and Otabek’s heart skips about three beats and then starts pounding against his ribcage like it wants to be let out and roam free in the world.

“I,” Otabek begins. His muscles don’t seem to want to obey the neural commands sent to his larynx, because his voice gets stuck and breaks. Otabek clears his throat and tries again. “Me too. I mean, you know.”

Otabek grimaces to himself. He’s so fucking elaborate with his words that Shakespeare would be jealous.

Otabek reaches up, freeing his hand from where it was cradled against JJ’s chest. He strokes a finger over JJ’s cheek, feeling the slight fuzz of his stubble. The moment seems to be loaded with words that neither of them is able to utter aloud. The air feels oddly static like the calm before a thunderstorm.

Then it’s as if something snaps in JJ, because the hand in Otabek’s hair slides down his cheek and cups his jaw. JJ pulls his chin up, and Otabek’s surprised inhale is smothered between their lips.

The touch of their lips is brief, almost bashful, and it’s over right when Otabek’s brain registers what’s happening.

JJ pulls back. “Sorry. I had to do that before I chickened out.”

Otabek nods, trying to process what happened in the last thirty seconds or so. JJ talked about feelings, and then they kissed. JJ’s face looks like there are a lot of contradictory thoughts circling in his mind. The window of opportunity might not be open for very long. Otabek gives up analyzing and decides to act instead.

Otabek pulls JJ down to another kiss. JJ lets out a surprised noise but doesn’t resist. The second kiss is tentative and over quickly, but it’s followed by another one. The kisses are separate small pecks at first, but soon follow each other in such rapid succession that Otabek loses count of where one kiss ends and another begins. Those small kisses melt into something that feels like it’s consuming Otabek. What started out as hesitant touches turns into a frantic exploration of lips and tongues, both of them gasping for air in rushed inhales like breathing is unimportant right now.

In the midst of the frenzy, Otabek’s mind is playing a boastful victory theme song from one video game or another, and he wants to smack his brain for its tact and timing. This moment still feels pretty close to what he would label as _perfection_ , because JJ’s lips are warm and his tongue is in Otabek’s mouth. Both of them could probably benefit from using a toothbrush, but that’s another thing alongside breathing that is currently not at the top of Otabek’s list of priorities.

The car is not cold anymore, or Otabek has simply ceased to feel such a trivial thing as temperature. The handbrake now digs painfully into his thigh, but things like cold and pain are secondary. JJ’s arm tightens around Otabek’s waist as if Otabek might try to get away, and his other hand goes to cup the back of Otabek’s neck. Otabek doesn’t even register his own hand movements for a moment, although he’s acutely aware of the sensation of skin and fabric under his fingertips.

Upon closer inventory of his limbs, Otabek realizes he’s pawing at JJ’s chest almost mindlessly, while his other hand is stroking JJ’s undercut, tracing the line at the back of his neck where skin meets short-buzzed hair. The short hair feels just as good under his touch as he has imagined.

Otabek pulls back when JJ starts laughing.

“What?” Otabek asks, his nose nearly touching JJ’s. He’s slightly out of breath and feels flustered, but from what he can see in the dim light, JJ isn’t much better off so Otabek refuses to let the laughter get to him.

“Um, Titanic moment much?” JJ says. His arm is still around Otabek’s waist and his free hand is stroking Otabek’s hair, so he nods sideways toward the window.

Otabek glances at the windows, and true enough, they’re fogged up to the point where it’s hard to see out of the car.

Otabek buries his head in JJ’s neck, laughing. It’s amazing that he can do that. As if someone flipped a switch and now he can touch and feel and explore all he wants.

“I guess the concern about people fucking in their cars isn’t completely unfounded,” Otabek says against JJ’s collarbone.

JJ laughs softly. “We are _not_ fucking in my dad’s car.”

“Well, fogging up the windows anyway,” Otabek points out.

JJ’s lips find his temple and press a kiss there, among some stray strands of hair. Otabek feels like his skin is alive with vibrations after the touch. It’s such a small gesture, but it feels oddly meaningful.

JJ switches the air-conditioning on, and soon the fog starts to clear off the windows as the air-conditioning sucks the moisture out of the air.

There is a moment of silence that’s neither comfortable nor awkward. It just _is_. Otabek has wiggled around so he’s still under JJ’s arm, but the handbrake is no longer killing his thigh. Otabek’s head rests in the crook of JJ’s neck, and they stare at the windows as they slowly clear and reveal the world outside.

“If this was a horror movie, when the windows cleared there would be a horde of zombies waiting outside,” JJ says.

Otabek laughs. “And of course they’d only attack once we could see them. Like, the moment the glass clears, one of them jumps on the hood and slams his ugly face on the window. Jump scares everywhere.”

“Yeah, and then when we tried to get away, the car suddenly wouldn’t start,” JJ continues.

“Except that the car is already on,” Otabek points out.

“Well maybe one of the zombies would pull up the hood and tear out some wires,” JJ says defensively. “Then we’d have to abandon the car and make a run for it.”

“Car mechanic zombie?” Otabek snorts. “Sounds plausible.”

JJ slaps his head lightly. “Anyway,” he continues. “Then we’d run to the shore and try to find a boat, but we couldn’t.”

Otabek turns his head so he can look up at JJ from the corner of his eye. “Then what?”

JJ grins and kisses his forehead. “Then we’d swim.”

“What about zombie fish?” Otabek deadpans.

JJ rolls his eyes. “There is no such thing as zombie fish.”

“Says the guy who just came up with a car mechanic zombie to mess with our getaway car,” Otabek teases.

“I’ll show you fucking zombie fish,” JJ grumbles.

Otabek ducks preemptively away from beneath JJ’s arm. “Uhh, that sounds like really bad porn so how about no?” he asks, and just as predicted, JJ tries to jab him in the ribs.

There is a momentary skirmish of poking and tickling across the seats, but eventually Otabek settles back under JJ’s arm with a wide smile on his face. Outside, the eastern sky is slowly illuminating in shades of pale pink and orange. Otabek feels tiredness creeping to his limbs, but he doesn’t want to let this moment go.

“So what would you do if I was bitten by a zombie?” Otabek asks.

JJ laughs and shakes his head.

“What? It’s the one important question you need to ask prospective partners.” Otabek averts his gaze, but he doesn’t miss the pause in JJ’s breathing.

“Is that what I am?” JJ asks, and even though his voice doesn’t betray any emotion, there is a slight tremor in it.

Otabek shrugs, trying to look nonchalant. “Yeah. I mean, I think so?” He shifts a bit as if to move away, but JJ flexes his arm and pulls him back against his side, bracing a hand on Otabek’s hip as if to prevent him from leaving.

“I’d keep you around until you wouldn’t recognize me anymore,” JJ says.

“Then you’d blow my head off?” Otabek offers.

JJ laughs. “No. I’d let you bite me. We could roam the countryside together in search of juicy brains.” He makes a pawing motion with his hand. “ _Braaaainssss_.”

Otabek chuckles. “That sounds surprisingly cute when you say it like that.”

JJ beams. “I know, I’m a romantic at heart.” He kisses Otabek’s hair again, and Otabek believes his statement one hundred percent. “So, what about you? What would you do if I got bitten by a zombie?” JJ asks, his fingers tracing Otabek’s hipbone through his shirt.

“Oh, I’d blast your fucking head off in a second,” Otabek says cheerfully and laughs when JJ whines pitifully about him being cruel and merciless.

Another silence falls between them, and Otabek tries to wrap his head around everything that’s happened. JJ turns the engine off, and the air immediately feels cooler again. The eastern sky grows lighter all the time, and Otabek’s lids feel heavy in the warmth under JJ’s arm, but he doesn’t want to sleep. Too much has happened.

“So, how long have you…?” Otabek makes a vague motion with his hand, encasing both of them and hoping it will convey the meaning he wants to express.

JJ is quiet for a while. “I kind of noticed when you first arrived. I don’t know, I thought you were good-looking, and then I also noticed we got along really well and it sort of… escalated from there.”

“Hmm.” Otabek bites his cheek.

“How about you?” JJ asks cautiously.

“I was gone the moment I saw you.” Perhaps Otabek should be ashamed to confess such a thing, but the way JJ’s face flushes in the early morning light makes it worth the embarrassment. “I mean, I’d seen you in passing at a competition last season, but hadn’t really _seen_ you before. So I arrived at your place and your mom was explaining something, then you walked down the stairs in your sleep shorts and a tank top. Your hair was a mess and the tank top barely reached your hips, and I think she noticed me staring,” Otabek says, huffing out a laugh. “But she probably wrote it off as jetlag or whatever. It was the middle of the night.”

“I remember that. I was supposed to be asleep but I heard you come in after my parents picked you up from the airport and I wanted to come say hello,” JJ says.

“Yeah, I had this song stuck in my head for days afterwards, it’s this piano piece and there’s a lyric about a girl walking down the stairs in her underwear,” Otabek says, grinning at the memory.

JJ raises his eyebrows, unimpressed. “Was I really that girly?”

Otabek gives him a light shove. “No. But it seemed to fit. _Konstantine is walking down the stairs, doesn’t she look good, standing in her underwear_?” he quotes. “Hold on, I can put the song on.” He pulls his phone out of his pocket and grimaces at the state of the battery. There are still a few scattered messages from JJ’s sisters, but they seem to have come to the conclusion that sending more messages won’t do anything.

He searches for the song and presses play. The piano melody from his phone fills the small space, and Otabek finds himself mouthing along with the lyrics.

JJ peeks at the screen and notices the message notifications blinking at the top of the screen. “I should probably check my messages,” he says, grabbing his own phone from the cupholder. He grimaces at the messages, and Otabek wants to run a soothing hand down his arm.

Then he remembers he _can_. Because apparently this is not a hallucinatory dream, and JJ actually _likes_ him. Likes him enough to kiss him, enough to discuss a potential relationship with him.

Otabek runs his fingers lightly down JJ’s arm. JJ doesn’t look up from the phone, but the grimace lessens and eventually turns into a smile. He puts the phone down and reaches out, and it feels natural to lace their fingers together.

JJ bites his lip and looks apologetic. “We probably have to start driving back pretty early. I wanted to show you the island, but my parents are really worried.”

“I understand,” Otabek says. Honestly, anything beyond this point is just a bonus, because so far the trip has exceeded Otabek’s wildest expectations.

“But if we hurry, we can still catch the sun rising from behind the Atlantic,” JJ says. He pulls his hand away from Otabek’s grasp and starts the engine.

They manage to startle a gas station worker who is opening the doors as the car rolls out from behind the building and peels off the parking lot. JJ waves cheerfully as they pass the man, who gawks at them like they just arrived from another dimension.

After clearing out of the parking lot, JJ drives eastward, and it becomes a race between them and the rising sun.

In the end the sun wins their imaginary race, and when they arrive to the shoreline it’s already rising above the horizon.

JJ gets out of the car and stretches, and Otabek does the same on the other side. It’s still chilly and his skin draws in goosebumps as the breeze from the ocean hits him. He wraps his arms around himself and strokes his hands up and down his arms to keep warm.

It’s only when JJ walks over that Otabek realizes that what happened in the car doesn’t need to stay in the car. JJ holds out a hand and pulls Otabek into an embrace, and the kiss by the seashore after sunrise is slower and sweeter than the fervent exploration earlier in the car. JJ’s arms are warm around him and JJ’s lips move over his, unhurried. JJ punctuates the kiss with a smaller one to the corner of Otabek’s mouth, and his stubble scratches in a way that makes Otabek wonder how it would feel to have that stubble against other parts of his body. He looks away, sure that JJ can read the thought in his eyes.

Seagulls screech above their heads and the air smells of salt as they walk down to the water hand in hand.

“So, this is the Atlantic,” Otabek says.

“This is the Atlantic,” JJ confirms.

The mass of water spreads in front of them, the rising sun painting the waves in bright highlights.

Otabek looks at their hands, fingers entwined and JJ’s thumb rubbing circles along Otabek’s thumb.

“So what is this? This… thing?” JJ asks the ocean. It looks like the question sucks out most of the energy he has left, because his shoulders slump like he’s suddenly dead tired.

“I don’t know,” Otabek replies to the seagulls above.

JJ turns to look at him seriously. “My parents can’t know. They’d flip and send you home right away.”

Otabek already guessed as much. He shrugs. “They might send me home anyway, for dragging you out here and stealing your dad’s car.”

“Yeah, you’re such a bad influence on me,” JJ says mournfully. “I have fallen for a delinquent!”

“What a shame.” Otabek smiles as he looks down at the sand. The damp surface is smooth aside from their footprints.

“Seriously, though, I have slept about three hours of the past twenty-four, and I still need to get us home in one piece,” JJ says, nodding toward the car that stands alone in the small parking lot by the beach.

“We should go,” Otabek agrees. The question about what they are hangs low in the air, and instead of staying on the beach it follows them to the car.

The return trip from anywhere is always cumbersome and tiring. Otabek guesses it has to do with the fact that the destination is already behind them, and now there isn’t anything new to look forward to.

Well, perhaps there are some things to look forward to, Otabek’s brain supplies as he looks down at his and JJ’s hands, laced together in the space between them. JJ steers the car one-handed, and for once Otabek thinks automatic is better than driving a stick, because this way he can have JJ’s hand most of the time.

Otabek does all he can to keep JJ alert throughout the ride, but eventually he forces JJ to pull over and walk around for a few minutes.

JJ comes back to where Otabek stands beside the car and hugs him, but Otabek refuses to let him cling on for too long.

“You’re falling asleep on me,” Otabek says, pushing JJ away. JJ makes a pathetic noise and tries to lean on Otabek while Otabek holds him at an arm’s length. “I could drive for a while?” Otabek offers. He feels tired, but not as tired as JJ looks.

“Without a license?” JJ looks scandalized.

“Not having a license doesn’t mean I can’t drive,” Otabek points out. “I have a motorcycle license so I know traffic rules. And I know how to drive a car. That’s a pretty solid combination, even if I don’t have a license.”

It’s true. Working on his bike at a family friend’s mechanic shop near home, he ended up helping them quite bit in exchange for parts to his bike. That included him driving the cars around the shop’s parking lot while the mechanic listened to the engine, trying to determine what was wrong. Later he was upgraded to driving the cars in and out of the shop and even test driving them after they were fixed to see if everything worked. At some point, most of the people at the shop either forgot or didn’t care that he only had a motorcycle license.

JJ just looks at him like Otabek is insane. “If the police stop us, we’re screwed.”

Otabek shrugs. “You can always say I stole the car and kidnapped you.”

JJ mutters something unintelligible under his breath and plops back in the driver’s seat.

Half an hour later, Otabek forces him to pull over again.

“Which one is worse, I get in trouble for driving without a license or we both die because you fell asleep driving?” Otabek gives JJ a stern look.

JJ looks like he wants to argue, but in the end he caves and allows Otabek behind the wheel.

Driving the car is different than sitting in the passenger seat. The engine is feistier than the ones Otabek is used to at the shop, but it doesn’t take too long to adjust. He takes it easy at first, because JJ keeps eyeing him worriedly from the passenger seat.

When JJ figures Otabek wasn’t lying about knowing how to drive, he relaxes and connects his own phone to the car stereo, cutting off Otabek’s playlist in mid-song.

_Win some, lose some_ , Otabek thinks. He gets to drive a really fast car, which is awesome, but he also gets subjected to JJ’s more-than-questionable taste in music.

“What _is_ this?” Otabek groans.

“Medley of Disney villain songs.” JJ beams.

“ _Jesus_ ,” Otabek mutters.

When they pass Montreal, JJ starts to get jittery.

“What are we going to tell my parents?” he asks, looking down at his phone.

Otabek gives him a sideways glance. “About us or the road trip?”

JJ huffs. “About the road trip.”

Otabek sighs. It seems JJ wants to push aside the question about _them_ that’s still lingering around. “Well, you can say it was my idea.”

JJ laughs. “I already know what they’re going to say to that. _You’re older, you should know better. You should be the responsible one_.”

He sounds like he’s heard it all before. It makes sense, because JJ is the oldest of the children, so he has to be a role model to his younger siblings.

“I’m not a kid, though,” Otabek says. “I am responsible for my own actions.”

JJ makes a noncommittal noise and scrolls down his playlist. He switches the songs around for a good five minutes as if it’s the most important thing right now.

Otabek keeps his eyes on the road. It feels like a waste of the car’s engine to keep within the speed limit. He kind of wants to push the car to its limit, see how it would feel to fly down the road at a deadly speed, but the last thing he needs is getting pulled over for speeding.

At some point, JJ’s fingers brush his arm and Otabek is startled out of his zoned-out state.

“I’m sorry,” JJ says.

“For what?” Otabek asks.

“I don’t know what this is,” JJ says, and Otabek sees him motioning between them with his hand. “I don’t know how to label it. I don’t know anything anymore.”

Otabek glances at him. JJ twists his hands like he’s in agony.  “You don’t have to apologize. And you don’t have to know that right now. I don’t either.”

It’s partially a lie, because Otabek probably knows better than JJ, but it’s not like it’s crystal-clear for him either.

“I just know I think about you all the time,” JJ mutters.

Otabek smiles. “Yeah. Same.”

Otabek knows he likes JJ, and JJ likes him. Maybe it’s enough for now.

 

-

 

Otabek drives the rest of the way while JJ nods off in the passenger seat. They swap seats a few blocks away and pull up in the driveway of the Leroy's mansion of a house when it’s nearing midnight. Otabek has spent almost two days in the car, and awesome as the vehicle is, he’s happy to get out of it now. Especially with the atmosphere shifting from that of a joyful discovery to something darker, broodier. JJ doesn’t look at him when they walk through the garage to the kitchen door. Otabek doesn’t want to think about what that means.

They have barely made it through the kitchen doorway when JJ’s parents descend on them like a pack of screeching vultures. Otabek’s head hurts from lack of sleep and JJ is nodding weakly beside him while they’re given a stern talking-to about doing things without thinking about the consequences.

When JJ’s parents have been preaching about responsibility for a good fifteen minutes, JJ looks like he’s ready to fall asleep on his feet. He mutters something in French, and his mother’s face softens. She switches to French as well, lowering her tone, and JJ’s father joins in. For a moment Otabek feels excluded from the conversation, so he shifts his weight from one foot to the other and back again, hands deep in his shorts pockets and biting the inside of his cheek.

“Go get some sleep now, we’ll talk more in the morning,” JJ’s mother says, switching back to English.

Otabek startles, then realizes they’re all looking at him. “Yeah, sure,” he manages. “Sorry.”

Otabek walks up the stairs behind JJ, and his brain starts playing the piano melody from Konstantine. If Otabek was able to slap himself in the brain, he would, because right now the melody twists his insides into painfully tight knots.

The upstairs hallway is lined with doors. JJ’s is at the end of the hallway, whereas Otabek stays in the guest room near the stairs.

JJ stops at the top of the stairs and listens. His parents’ voices can be heard murmuring downstairs. JJ holds out a hand, and Otabek takes it. For a moment they stand in the hallway, fingers laced and watching each other as if across an invisible border.

Then JJ lets go and walks toward his room.

Otabek stays in the hallway until JJ’s door is closed.

Once back in his room, Otabek takes a quick shower and brushes his teeth, even though it feels like washing away the memory of them kissing in the car. It’s surreal now, like maybe it didn’t happen after all. He stares at his reflection in the mirror with sleep-dulled eyes, and he decides to worry about it when he wakes up. His ears are ringing from being over-exhausted, and Otabek pulls on clean boxers before diving under the covers in bed.

Otabek wakes up sometime later when JJ pushes the covers aside and crawls in beside him. He smells of shampoo and toothpaste, and Otabek makes a half-assed attempt to stay awake and savor the feeling, but sleep wins out pretty quickly. The last thing he feels before falling asleep is JJ hugging him to his chest.

In the morning, JJ sneaks out of the room before his parents wake up. Otabek tries to get some more rest, but sleep eludes him and he ends up lying on his back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. His body is dead tired, but he can’t get his mind to shut up about how stupid it was to fall for a guy who has to pretend to be straight to his parents.

His phone buzzes somewhere under the pillows, and Otabek lazily claws at the pillows, finally locating the device by following the charger wire.

The message is from JJ.

_Get dressed and come to my room before breakfast?_

Otabek groans and gets up. He gets dressed in practice clothes and after a moment’s hesitation he also brushes his teeth.

The door to JJ’s room is ajar. Otabek pushes it open and steps inside.

“JJ?”

“In the bathroom,” comes the reply. The bathroom door is open.

Otabek stands in the doorway of JJ’s room, waiting.

Eventually JJ appears at the bathroom door. He’s holding a hair trimmer. “Well?” JJ says, raising one eyebrow. “C’mon, before we need to get to breakfast.”

Otabek sits on the edge of the tub with his eyes closed while JJ buzzes the back and sides of his head with the trimmer. Eyes closed, because there are tiny hairs flying around and he doesn’t want to get one stuck in his cornea, but also because he is scared to see the result. He can’t be sure that JJ actually knows what he’s doing.

Well, if the end result sucks he can have JJ trim all of it off. It’s only hair, it’ll grow back.

After he’s done, JJ uses a big fluffy brush to wipe the hairs off Otabek’s neck and face. The bristles tickle his skin, and Otabek scrunches his nose without meaning. The brush stops, and JJ chuckles softly.

“Cute.”

Otabek grumbles under his breath, still holding his eyes tightly shut.

Then the brush is gone and Otabek senses JJ leaning in, the way one senses when someone else is near even if they can’t see. JJ’s breath ghosts over his lips, minty fresh from toothpaste, and Otabek tilts his head back without prompting.

The kiss is slow and tentative, like JJ is testing whether the same rules apply outside the car and away from the Atlantic shoreline. JJ’s fingers graze the hair at the back of Otabek’s head, and the touch feels different with the hair trimmed short.

Otabek’s heart picks up its pace and starts drumming louder in his chest, as if wanting to inform everyone in the house what is going on in JJ’s bathroom.

When JJ pulls back from the touch, Otabek blinks his eyes open slowly. JJ is still very close, and his eyes look startlingly blue.

Then someone slams a door somewhere down the hall and JJ jumps away.

Otabek keeps his face neutral and gets up, brushing the remaining hairs off his clothes. He walks to the mirror and looks at his hair. He turns his head this way and that, and at least the result is even and there aren’t any weird bald spots. However, after sleeping on wet hair it has naturally settled in a deep side part. Otabek looks at himself and then at JJ through the mirror.

“I look like you,” Otabek says.

“Well, that’s a good thing, right?” JJ says, winking and elbowing him in the ribs.

“Hmm, not so sure,” Otabek says thoughtfully and then ducks out of the way as JJ tosses a towel at him.

“Fine,” JJ says, rolling his eyes. He pulls open a drawer and rummages through the contents. He produces a small jar of gel-like hair product and dips his fingers in it. “Here, let me.” He motions Otabek to come closer, and Otabek figures it can’t get any worse.

JJ spreads the gel-like stuff in the longer hair at the crown of Otabek’s head. His fingers prod here and there, pushing strands of hair back. Otabek watches the concentrated look on JJ’s face.

“There. How’s that?” JJ asks.

Otabek turns to look in the mirror. The side part is gone. The hair at the top is now pushed back and gelled in place, with a few strands artfully hanging loose here and there.

Otabek touches his hair. He expects it to feel sticky with product, but it doesn’t. It just feels smooth and stiffer than usual. He slides his fingers to the back of his head, and it feels strange, because the hair is short and fuzzy and suddenly he can feel even the slightest air currents against his scalp. He didn’t expect much, but he finds himself smiling at his reflection.

“I like it,” Otabek says.

JJ rolls his eyes through the mirror. “Don’t sound so surprised. C’mon, let’s get breakfast.” JJ holds out a hand, and Otabek finds himself pulled down the hallway all the way to the top of the stairs, where JJ’s hand leaves his.

It’s like their physical affection has invisible borders, and they can only exist together inside those borders. Otabek pushes his hands in his pockets and weighs the idea in his head as they walk down the stairs.

As they enter the kitchen, it’s chaos like it always is when the Leroy family gathers in the same room. The nanny is helping the youngest kids while the older siblings have gathered around the kitchen island to eat. JJ’s parents are cutting up fruit and making pancakes and smoothies at the counter.

Upon spotting Otabek’s hair, JJ’s parents exchange a look, but neither of them says anything.

JJ’s siblings have no such reservations.

“Otabek! Your hair!”

“What happened? Did you cut it?”

“It looks like JJ’s.”

“It looks nice.”

“Well I think it looks stupid.”

“You think everything looks stupid.”

“I just liked the previous one better.”

“Well it’s his hair, so your opinion doesn’t matter.”

Otabek listens to the bickering with raised eyebrows. JJ grins and hands him a plate, and they go get pancakes from the counter. Otabek avoids looking JJ’s parents in the eye.

When they sit down at the kitchen island, the topic shifts from Otabek’s hair to their road trip.

“Where _were_ you?”

“You were gone for _two days_.”

“Mom and Dad almost called the police.”

“For the record, they didn’t.”

“But they did call your parents, Otabek.”

Otabek almost chokes on his bite of pancake. It doesn’t look good for him if JJ’s parents called his parents. He side-glances at JJ, who shrugs.

“Alright, enough gossiping,” JJ’s mother says. “Corinne and François, finish your breakfast and go get ready for math camp. Henri, you have practice at the rink with dad in half an hour, and Anais, you have a driver’s ed lesson—” She continues calling out instructions like a drill sergeant, and the Leroy siblings fall quiet and follow them without question. The youngest siblings follow the Leroys' nanny out of the room, with the baby in the nanny’s arms. Sometimes Otabek feels that the house is like a circus with so many kids running around.

Once the rest of the Leroy siblings have been herded out of the room by JJ’s father, Otabek realizes that this is the part where they _talk more_ about JJ and Otabek’s little road trip.

JJ looks at him, and there is a multitude of emotions flashing over his face. He looks apologetic, scared, embarrassed, worried, but also a bit headstrong, like he won’t let his mother walk all over Otabek.

Otabek wonders if JJ has always been this chivalrous or if it’s something he reserves for people he likes.

“Otabek,” JJ’s mother says and sits down on the high stool on the opposite side of the kitchen island. “We talked with your parents about the two of you running off like that. We’re not happy about what happened, and they were not either.”

“I understand.” Otabek looks down at his plate. He can imagine the phone conversation he’s going to have with his own mother later. “I’m sorry. It was my fault. I suggested the road trip.”

“No, you can’t blame him,” JJ speaks up. “I was the one who took Dad’s car and drove us.” Otabek can almost feel how JJ avoids looking at him while he utters the last words.

“Boys,” JJ’s mother says sternly, and they both fall quiet. “That’s beside the point. We’re not placing blame here. We are very disappointed and want you to understand that you can’t run off like that. You are minors. _Both_ of you.” She silences JJ as he starts to protest. “You are not eighteen yet, Jean-Jacques.”

JJ grumbles something under his breath.

“And Otabek. We don’t want to make you feel like a prisoner here, but you have to understand that while you’re staying with us, we are legally responsible for you. What if something happened on the road? What if either of you got injured?”

“But _maman_ , we _didn’t_ ,” JJ starts. “Everything was just fine, we sent you updates.”

Otabek puts a hand on JJ’s arm. “She’s right,” he says quietly and JJ falls quiet. The touch of JJ’s skin feels like it’s burning. Otabek pulls his fingers back and looks at JJ’s mother. “I’m sorry I have caused worry and behaved in a way that required you to call my parents. I promise, it won’t happen again.”

The expression on JJ’s mother’s face hasn’t shifted. She is still looking at them sternly, and Otabek is worried that this is _it_. That he gets sent home, just as things are starting to look up—both on ice and off it.

“Alright,” JJ’s mother says after a long pause. “Consider this a warning. We expected better of you, both of you.” Her eyes slide from Otabek to JJ. “Show us that you understand what you did was wrong. No more disappearances.”

“Of course,” Otabek says, while JJ nods beside him. “Thank you. And sorry. Again.”

“You have missed two days of practice. I suggest you start making up for it by taking a jog to the rink.”

The rink is 10 kilometers away. JJ’s mother is starting to look more like a drill sergeant every passing moment.

They both nod and slide down from the high stools around the kitchen island.

“Boys.” JJ’s mother’s voice stops them dead on their tracks in the kitchen doorway. “ _After_ you’ve cleaned up the kitchen.”

They stand side by side, loading dishes in the dishwasher. JJ’s arm brushes against Otabek’s every now and then when he reaches for something on the counter, and overall this entire situation is starting to feel like déjà vu.

“Did the last two days really happen?” Otabek asks, only half-joking.

JJ’s index finger traces a line down Otabek’s arm. “They did. It all happened.”

“Are you glad it did, even with the mountain of trouble it got us in?” Otabek doesn’t know if he wants to know the answer, but simultaneously he needs to know.

JJ snorts softly. “Yeah. I’m glad,” he simply says, closing the dishwasher and drying his hands with a towel. “Even if this is making everything more difficult.” He sighs and then jabs Otabek with his elbow. “Now go put on some running shoes, we need to get to the rink.”

“Was she serious about jogging all the way there?” Otabek asks, eyes wide.

JJ grins. “Yup. The military doesn’t know what they’re missing out on by not hiring her.”

 

-

 

The following days are exhausting. Even though it’s off-season, they’re expected to catch up with the practice they missed. The default state of Otabek's body is ‘sore’ and he falls into bed every night dead tired.

He doesn’t get a chance to be alone with JJ during the days, but every night, after everyone else is asleep, JJ sneaks down the corridor and slides in bed beside Otabek. They’re both worn out and completely exhausted, and sleeping is the number one priority on Otabek’s list of activities.

Still, he can’t help but wonder if the nights would turn out different without the constant exhaustion. Sometimes, despite being tired beyond exhaustion, he stays awake and enjoys the feeling of being wrapped up in JJ’s body heat and feeling the lines of JJ’s body against his own.

It feels like a drug he can’t afford to get addicted to.

As part of their punishment, they are told to wash the car they blatantly borrowed for their trip. Otabek doesn’t mind this one bit, because it’s a warm summer day and spraying JJ with a hose until Otabek can see his nipples through his tank top only makes the activity better.

JJ laughs and shakes his wet hair like a dog, splashing water drops everywhere. He looks down at his soaking wet shirt and unceremoniously strips it off, tossing it aside.

Otabek blames JJ’s shirtless, distracting state for the fact that JJ manages to walk over and pry the hose from his hands, spraying him with water in turn. Otabek sputters and laughs, and they run around the car, fighting over the hose until they’re both soaked from head to toe.

“I thought you were supposed to wash the car and not each other!” Anais shouts from the front lawn where she is sunbathing and reading magazines.

Otabek looks from the unwashed car to JJ who is dripping water, and they both burst out laughing.

Otabek hoses the car while JJ gets sponges and soap from the garage. They set out scrubbing the car with soapy sponges, occasionally flicking suds at each other and dodging out of the way. At one point, Otabek manages a direct hit to JJ’s chest with a dripping wet sponge, which leads to JJ chasing him around the car with his own sponge raised like a weapon, and when Otabek makes an off-hand mention of _scrubbing daddy’s car_ , JJ pours a bucket of soap water on him.

It would be obvious to anyone watching that they’re flirting with each other. Thankfully, Anais has headphones on and her eyes are focused on her magazine, and the rest of the family is not within eyeshot.

Otabek watches JJ’s shirtless body as he reaches up to get the roof of the car with his sponge. His skin is glistening with water droplets and there are stray smears of soap bubbles on his chest and stomach.

Otabek’s mouth feels dry and he has to force himself to look away.

They rinse the car clean and once it’s dry, JJ drives it inside the garage for waxing. Otabek jumps to sit on the side counter beside the jar of wax while JJ hunts for pieces of cloths for applying the wax.

“I swear they should be here,” JJ mutters to himself as he bends to examine the lower shelves of a cupboard.

Otabek doesn’t mind the view in the least. JJ’s shorts are still damp and clinging to his skin, and he hasn’t put his shirt back on.

Eventually JJ fishes a package of microfiber cloths from a bucket at the bottom of the cupboard. He turns to look at Otabek, seated on the counter. JJ’s eyes flash over Otabek’s body, and there is something in his face that Otabek recognizes as _wanting_.

JJ walks over and sets the package of cloths on top of the wax jar. Then he steps between Otabek’s legs, lowering his hands on Otabek’s thighs. His fingers feel very warm through the damp fabric of Otabek’s shorts. Otabek hooks his legs behind JJ’s back and pulls him closer. Sitting on the high counter like this, Otabek is taller than JJ. JJ leans his face up, and Otabek pushes errant strands of hair off his forehead. JJ looks up at him, and Otabek sees him lick his lips. Perhaps the gesture is subconscious, but that doesn’t make it any less inviting.

Otabek leans down to touch his mouth to JJ’s. The secret kisses always feel like they’re stolen property, with JJ’s lips moving against Otabek’s and their tongues meeting each other in the middle, ready to spring apart any given second. The knowledge that at any moment someone could walk in through the door makes these stolen moments feel exciting.

Otabek’s legs are wrapped around JJ and his hands are roaming in JJ’s damp hair, both of them lost in the moment but all senses alert. Otabek hates and loves the rushed feeling of these kisses. He hates having to hide and scatter apart like this is something to be _embarrassed_ about, but on the other hand he loves the crazy adrenaline rush it brings along. It’s like a rollercoaster, where their daily life is the dull climb to the top, but the following drop and the free-falling sensation of their secret kisses sends Otabek’s senses on edge.

Otabek’s brain registers noise coming from somewhere nearby.

_Footsteps_.

JJ pulls back from Otabek’s mouth with a rushed gasp, and Otabek hurriedly unwraps his limbs from around JJ. JJ steps back and Otabek jumps down from the counter.

When JJ’s mother pokes her head in the garage and asks them to join the rest of the family for lunch, Otabek is nonchalantly unwrapping the microfiber cloths from their package on the other side of the car and JJ is leaning against the counter, prying the wax jar open. JJ’s hair is in such disarray that Otabek can’t look JJ’s mother in the eye.

“We’ll be right there,” JJ says. “I guess the waxing has to wait until after lunch.”

If JJ’s mother has opinions about them taking too long to wash one damn car, she doesn’t voice them out loud. She merely tells them to go clean up and change into dry clothes before lunch.

When she closes the door after her, Otabek sighs shakily. He can feel his half-hard cock mercifully softening in his shorts. This time there was a car between him and JJ’s mother, but this is getting hazardous, because one day there might not be anything to hide behind.

JJ lets go of the lid of the wax jar. His face is closed off like it is after they nearly get caught.

Otabek hates seeing him like this.

Otabek’s own family knows where he stands in terms of orientation. Hell, during Otabek’s apologetic phone call home, his mother asked dryly if they at least used protection on their road trip. This led to a long and embarrassing conversation, during which Otabek had to tell her several times that _it’s not like that at all,_ and also that JJ’s parents shouldn’t know that those kinds of activities are even a possibility between them. Otabek’s mother said it wasn’t her business to out anyone from their closet, but she continued preaching about protection until Otabek ended the call just to take a photo of his stash of condoms.

He doesn’t know many sixteen-year-olds who would send their mother a photo of their condom stash along with the caption _‘There. But I’m still telling you it’s not like that’_. Then again, his mother has always been pretty laid-back. And the photo shuts her up, because all she sends back is a wish that Otabek is happy.

Otabek stares at the message. He _is_ happy. Most of the time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Otabek references is _Konstantine_ by Something Corporate.


	3. Chapter 3

They have a movie night in the basement one weekend. Lydie and Anais are lounging on the couch while Otabek sits on the floor in front of the couch with JJ. They’re leaning on the couch with their arms brushing against one another every now and then. Their hands are nearly touching on the floor between them, purposefully positioned so it looks accidental and completely nonchalant. Otabek can feel JJ run his pinky finger along the side of his hand every time when the room goes dark during a dim-lit scene in the movie. It’s one of those stolen moments that makes Otabek happy and sick to his stomach at the same time.

Lydie spends half of the movie complaining that the movie they picked sucks. Then she starts complaining that the popcorn is too salty. Anais responds by throwing popcorn kernels at her.

“Anais! _Arrête ça_!” Lydie says, trying to dodge the flying kernels.

The couch trembles as Lydie squirms under the kernel bombardment. Anais keeps throwing the kernels at her, laughing and taunting her in French. Eventually, Lydie lets out a string of rapid-fire French and jumps up from the couch. She stomps up the basement stairs in a huff and slams the door shut after her.

Anais sighs happily. “Finally, more leg room for me,” she says, stretching on the couch.

“Are they always like this?” Otabek asks JJ.

“Pretty much,” JJ says, rolling his eyes at the TV screen.

Anais pokes the back of Otabek’s head with her sock-clad foot. “You should be thankful,” she remarks in between mouthfuls of popcorn. “I got rid of her for you.”

JJ and Otabek exchange a glance. “What are you talking about?” JJ asks cautiously.

“Now you can hold hands,” Anais says nonchalantly, like it’s no big deal. “I mean, you’ve wanted to since the movie started.”

They both turn to stare at her. Otabek hears JJ’s breathing pause for several seconds. Behind them, the movie flickers on, forgotten.

“What?” JJ manages when he finally draws breath again.

“Oh c’mon, _frère_ ,” Anais says with a wide smile. “You might think you’re not obvious, but I’ve known you for almost sixteen years.” She tosses back another handful of popcorn and mutters through it, “So obvious.”

JJ turns to look at Otabek, and Otabek can see the rising panic in his eyes.

“Do your parents—?” Otabek asks cautiously, looking at Anais.

Anais laughs and shakes her head. “No one knows but me.”

JJ sighs. “She’s always been too good at reading me,” he mutters.

Anais nods. “That, or the fact that I walked in on you kissing the other day and you didn’t even notice.”

Otabek cringes at the words. This is just the kind of thing to send JJ flying back to the closet in panic mode.

“Also flirting like mad while washing the car? Dead giveaway.” Anais sounds smug.

JJ gives Otabek a look. Otabek closes his eyes for a second and then offers his hand to be held, palm up on the floor. “Let’s just finish the movie.”

It takes several minutes, but eventually JJ snakes his hand into Otabek’s and they watch the rest of the movie with their fingers entwined. Otabek can tell JJ is freaked out about Anais knowing.

It’s not personal, but at the same time it’s _very_ personal. It’s hard to not take it like Otabek is something JJ is embarrassed about.

 

-

 

The first time Otabek lands a clean quad salchow at practice, JJ skates over immediately after and spin-hugs him so forcefully that Otabek’s skates lift off the ice.

“I wanna kiss you so bad right now,” JJ breathes, but of course he doesn’t. His parents are standing at the side of the rink. Otabek can hear them clapping and cheering, congratulating him on landing the jump. He thinks bitterly how they would not be clapping and cheering anymore if JJ actually did kiss him.

Otabek doesn’t reply. Instead, he pries JJ’s arms from around himself and skates away. “I’m gonna try again, see that it wasn’t just sheer luck,” he calls over his shoulder.

JJ looks confused but he slides out of the way, while Otabek gathers all his bitterness and focuses it on landing the jump again. Once his blades touch the ice, he allows himself a slight smile.

After practice, JJ comes to him in the locker room while Otabek is unlacing his skates. JJ stands there, kicking at the linoleum floor and looking lost.

“Beks, what’s happening?”

Otabek closes his eyes and exhales slowly. “It’s nothing,” he says, because there is no way they are talking about this shit in the rink locker room.

JJ frowns. “It’s not nothing. You landed the quad sal three times today, and you’re not the least bit happy.”

JJ looks genuinely concerned, and there is an ache in Otabek’s chest as his eyes slide up and lock on JJ’s eyes.

To JJ, this is probably a fling. Nothing too serious. After all, it’s not like he’s ever going to introduce Otabek as his boyfriend.

Otabek can already see how this is going to go. They will fool around all summer, and JJ will keep it a secret, as if it isn’t anything serious. And in the fall when Otabek leaves, JJ’s life will continue as it has to this point, easy and comfortable. And Otabek will be in Almaty, picking up the pieces of his heart.

He can’t possibly explain this to JJ. Not now at the rink locker room, if ever.

Perhaps it’s best to just do what he came here to do: practice. For a minute there he seems to have forgotten the reason he came to Canada.

 _Not_ to get his heart broken by this boy, but to practice so he can get _better_ than said boy.

Otabek pulls his skates off and wipes the blades dry before tossing the skates in his bag. “Let’s just go home,” he says.

 

-

 

Dinner at the Leroy household is a loud affair. The entire family gathers around the massive dining room table, and once they’ve said grace, JJ’s siblings start talking over each other in a mixture of French and English. Dishes of food are passed around the table and the atmosphere is warm and cozy. Usually Otabek finds dinner at the Leroy’s soothing and familiar, because loud and chaotic as it is, it reminds him of home and his family and friends gathering together for a feast after Ramadan.

Today, the thought of his family twists Otabek’s insides into knots and constricts his throat so tight that it’s hard to swallow food.

Otabek hasn’t felt homesick during his stay in Canada, but right now the sensation hits him like a thousand bricks and makes him wish he was anywhere else but here.

No one notices his inability to eat properly aside from JJ. Every now and then, JJ bumps his knee against Otabek’s under the table. He tries to strike up a conversation, but Otabek’s one-syllable answers stave him off fairly quickly.

Otabek excuses himself after dinner, saying he’s tired from practice. He feels JJ’s eyes follow him as he exits the room.

Next morning, Otabek wakes up alone in his room and feeling like he hasn’t slept at all.

He keeps avoiding situations in which he has to be alone with JJ, even going as far as playing video games with Lydie. For once, Otabek is thankful for JJ’s many siblings, because it means he has more opportunities to distract himself from whatever is going on between him and JJ.

Or _was_ going on? Otabek isn’t sure anymore.

It takes a few more days of avoidance tactics for JJ to snap. Honestly, Otabek is surprised it didn’t happen sooner.

JJ corners him in the empty locker room after practice. He steps close and stops Otabek from leaving with his palms against the wall on both sides of Otabek’s head. It’s not threatening, but there’s a certain degree of frustration packed into the gesture. JJ’s eyes measure Otabek’s face like he’s trying to read Otabek’s thoughts from his expression.

“What is going on?” JJ asks, having concluded that Otabek’s face isn’t going to reveal his secrets. “Can you please talk to me?”

Otabek sighs. How is he going to explain to JJ that he is trying to protect himself from the inevitable, and JJ being close like this makes it harder.

The irony of the situation is not lost on Otabek. He spent the first few weeks of his stay pining after JJ like a lovesick fool, but now that he has JJ, it’s not like he imagined.

Well. He doesn’t _have_ JJ, to be honest. He _kind of_ has JJ, and that’s worse. It’s like a cruel joke in which Otabek gets what he wants, only to realize that it’s exactly what he _didn’t_ want.

He doesn’t see this thing going anywhere, so the best course of action is to back off while he still has his heart mostly intact.

Otabek grimaces. “You have it so easy,” he says, shoulders hunching. It’s not a reply to JJ’s question, but more of an outburst in statement form. One he didn’t mean to say out loud. Otabek regrets going there the second the words leave his lips.

JJ blinks. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Otabek smiles at the bittersweet realization that JJ doesn’t look over his shoulder anymore when he swears. It’s a poor measurement for personal growth, but it gives out how much of an effect Otabek’s presence has had on JJ.

JJ probably doesn’t realize he has it all. He has a loving family, wealth and a natural talent for figure skating. His life is such smooth sailing that he doesn’t even notice he avoids anything that might upset the balance. He tries to keep things as comfortable as they’ve always been.

Otabek blinks to keep his eyes dry. “Your life is comfortable. You don’t have to work your ass off to get what you want, it’s always handed to you. Of course you like to keep it that way.” Otabek manages to stop before he calls JJ a closeted coward, because there would be no going back after that. There might not be going back after this conversation anyway, but some part of Otabek holds onto the tiny bit of hope that maybe, just _maybe_ , there is something between them that counts as more than a secret summer fling.

JJ’s eyes widen and he raises his eyebrows, scoffing. “I always get what I want? What would you know about that?”

Otabek shakes his head and tries to swallow down the lump constricting his throat. He doesn’t look at JJ. None of what Otabek is trying to say is coming out right, and it’s all because of JJ and these stupid emotions.

Otabek isn’t an emotional person. What is it about JJ that reduces him to such a blubbering mess?

“You think I don’t want this?” JJ gestures between them. “You think I _want_ to keep us a secret?”

Otabek swallows and the lump finally goes down. He looks up and aims an unwavering stare at JJ. “Well it doesn’t look like you’re putting up one hell of a fight for it either.”

JJ looks like Otabek just punched him in the face. “You don’t know what it’s like—”

“Oh, I know what it’s like,” Otabek interrupts. “You think coming out to my parents was easy? I was fifteen. My father didn’t speak to me for three days. My mother probably thought it was a phase, but you know what? They’ve both come to terms with it.” He doesn’t mean to sound accusatory, but like everything else today, it comes out wrong.

JJ swallows and seems lost. He looks around the locker room like he’s seeing it for the first time. “I,” he begins. His hands drop from the wall, their constrictive cage gone from around Otabek. “I’m sorry,” he says in a choked tone and turns around.

Otabek stands with his shoulder blades pressed against the wall and feels like he’s the biggest asshole on the planet, but at the same time, he feels like he hasn’t done anything wrong. Is it wrong to hurt someone when it’s done in the name of self-preservation?

 

-

 

That night JJ sneaks into Otabek’s room and crawls in bed with him. He keeps his distance, as if the few centimeters between their bodies are a no-cross warzone. It’s dark in the room, but Otabek can see that JJ’s eyes are open, watching him across the distance between them.

“I want this. I want you. _Us_ ,” JJ finally says, choking on the last word.

Otabek swallows an angry response. “Saying the words doesn’t really change the situation,” he says instead.

 “I’m sorry,” JJ says into the space that separates them. “I’m sorry I can’t—”

“I know,” Otabek replies. He recalls his mother’s words over the phone. _It’s not my business to out anyone from their closet._ “I know. It’s okay to not be ready,” he amends.

Silence stretches between them, only broken by their breathing. Otabek doesn’t know which one of them caves first, but somehow they crash headfirst toward one another and meet in the middle, lips crashing in a desperate kiss like they’ll drown without it.

His heart feels like it’s torn in two, with one side twisting in agony and the other singing joyfully at the sensation of JJ’s lips moving in sync with his.

JJ’s hands wrap around Otabek and pulls him closer, and the intoxicating feeling of skin against skin is introduced to the mix. Otabek can’t help but grinding against JJ’s hips, and the gasp this elicits gets muffled between their lips.

JJ pulls back from the touch soon after, and laces their fingers together on the mattress between them. “I’m not ready,” he says like a confession.

Otabek swallows. _Not my business to out anyone from their closet_ , his brain reminds him. “I know,” he whispers. “But when you are, I’ll be there with you.”

He must be crazy or a masochist to agree to an arrangement like this, because there is no time limit to when someone is ready to come out. Otabek knows this might well be forever for them.

It sounds like a rather pathetic and sad forever, but Otabek decides to live in the moment. After all, moments are all they have.

 

-

 

They haven’t explicitly discussed intimacy during their time together. Otabek knows JJ tries to live up to some ideal about morality and purity, but he is not impervious to closeness. Sometimes when they’ve been making out on Otabek’s bed, JJ has stopped and taken a few deep breaths like he needed to clear his head.

The first time JJ comes undone under Otabek’s touch happens in broad daylight and surprisingly not sneaking around in the dead of the night.

They are alone in the house again. The first time that happened, they ended up on a two-day road trip, so in Otabek’s opinion a hand job on his bed is tame in comparison.

It’s been an unspoken rule that everything above the waist is free for exploring while everything below is kept under wraps. JJ hasn’t outright said it, but whenever things have started to get too heated before, he has pulled back and turned away.

This time is different, though.

There is determination in JJ’s eyes, like he’s made up his mind about something.

JJ places his hands around Otabek’s face, pulling him close until their noses are touching. “ _Beks_.” The nickname is breathed in the minuscule distance between their lips.

JJ kisses him, hard and hungry like there are no bounds anymore. The kiss is urgent, with a sense of desperation.

Otabek responds in kind, pushing one hand under JJ’s shirt and the other behind JJ’s neck to keep him close. JJ’s undercut is getting longer, almost long enough to catch between Otabek’s fingers as they trail up and down JJ’s neck.

They break apart long enough to take off their shirts. For a second they stare at each other, sitting on the bed in the sunlit room, and then JJ laughs nervously and pulls Otabek down on the mattress again. Their mouths collide with an almost painful click of teeth, but pretty soon their movements synchronize, with lips moving against one another’s and hands roaming over bare skin.

Otabek slides his hand down JJ’s stomach, stopping at the waistband of his shorts like always.

This time, JJ grabs his wrist and pushes his hand down.

Otabek’s lips pause on JJ’s and he inhales sharply at the feeling of JJ’s cock under his hand. JJ is hard, and as Otabek’s hand slides lower over the fabric of JJ’s shorts, there is a twitching motion following the movement of his hand.

“You sure?” Otabek asks.

JJ is flushed and his pupils are blown wide. “Yeah,” he whispers.

Otabek pulls his hand up to stretch the waistband of JJ’s shorts, then pulls the shorts down to mid-thigh. He looks down and takes in the sight of JJ’s cock, hard against his stomach and curving slightly to the left. There is a small drop glistening at the tip. Otabek brushes his index finger over the head, smearing it, before moving down to wrap his hand around JJ’s cock. He gives it an experimental tug.

JJ’s face contorts with pleasure, and he pushes into the grip of Otabek’s fingers fervently. Otabek leans to kiss JJ as he works his hand up and down in slow movements. As he speeds up, JJ’s kisses turn sloppy and his breathing comes out in ragged bursts against Otabek’s lips.

It’s incredibly hot.

One part of Otabek wants to watch and analyze every expression, every small gasp and moan, and another part wants to rub his own cock against JJ’s thigh until he comes. He can feel blood pulsing in his cock as he pushes closer.

Otabek sets out to find a rhythm with the kisses and the movements of his hand on JJ’s cock. JJ moans helplessly as Otabek runs his thumb over the slit on an upstroke, so Otabek does it again.

“Oh, _fuck_ ,” JJ hisses into the kiss.

“Good?” Otabek asks, pulling back from JJ’s mouth.

“So good,” JJ says and pulls Otabek’s mouth on his again.

It’s good they are alone in the house, because JJ grows loud right before he comes. He says Otabek’s name over and over again like he’s surprised at the intensity of the sensation. The strangled moans go straight to Otabek’s cock, making it twitch, because JJ sounds like something in him is breaking in the best kind of way.

“ _Beks_ ,” JJ groans and arches up. He comes over Otabek’s hand and his stomach, pulsing in Otabek’s hand. As soon as the aftershocks die down, JJ attacks Otabek’s lips like he’s never felt anything like this before.

Well, it’s not like Otabek has either, so he can relate. Otabek wipes his hand on the sheets and reminds himself to put them in the laundry later before the cleaning lady sees them.

All laundry-related thoughts fly out of his head as Otabek finds himself lying on his back with JJ’s hands on him. JJ slides a hand down his stomach, never breaking the kiss he initiated as soon as Otabek was pinned down. JJ fumbles a lot when he shoves his hand down in Otabek’s shorts, but Otabek already feels on edge, like all the fibers of his being have been pulled so tight they’re ready to snap at the lightest touch. JJ pulls back and looks down to where his hand is touching Otabek, then his gaze slides up to Otabek’s face as his fingers wrap around the shaft.

JJ’s grip is tight around Otabek’s cock, almost to the point of too much pressure, but in this moment it’s so good. As JJ works his hand up and down, Otabek feels the looming sensation gathering in the pit of his stomach; knows he’s close.

“Kiss me,” Otabek whispers in a ragged tone that sounds too low to be his own.

JJ leans down and kisses Otabek’s mouth, his jaw, his neck, and the drag of his lips on Otabek’s skin along with the twist of his hand around Otabek’s cock does it. Otabek feels the warmth of an orgasm spreading from his stomach to the tips of his toes like an explosion, and he gasps loudly, spilling on JJ’s hand. JJ keeps kissing him throughout it, and only pulls back when Otabek goes still and slumps down on the bed.

JJ looks surprised when he glances down. “Oh.”

“Oh, what?” Otabek asks in a hoarse tone.

“Well, that was a lot easier than I thought,” JJ admits. There is a blush on his cheeks.

Otabek rolls his eyes at the ceiling as he waits for his major body functions to come back to him so he can smack JJ for being a smartass.

 

-

 

Summer races onward on the path of secrets they have established together. Practice, stolen kisses and nights spent curled together in Otabek’s bed, breathing in each other’s scent. Otabek is sure the cleaning lady who comes over twice a week must know Otabek doesn’t sleep alone in his bed, because one half of the bed smells like JJ. He hopes the lady doesn’t spend too much time sniffing his sheets before putting them in the laundry. Not only because they smell like JJ, but also because that would be really creepy.

July rolls around and halfway through it, JJ turns eighteen.

Otabek goes with JJ when he gets his first tattoo two days after his birthday. JJ’s parents don’t like the idea of their son getting a tattoo, but as JJ points out, they can’t really say anything because he’s eighteen now.

“I’m gonna have your name tattooed on my butt cheek,” JJ says when they pull up the tattoo parlor and get out of the car.

Otabek rolls his eyes and follows JJ across the parking lot. “That’ll be the day.”

“In nice cursive script, surrounded by hearts.” JJ waves his hands like he’s painting hearts in the air.

“That sounds like something out of a _‘worst tattoos in human history’_ compilation.” Otabek jabs his elbow in JJ’s ribs as they get to the door of the shop. “Not that the tattoo you’re _actually_ getting is much better in design,” he continues, rolling his eyes.

JJ shoves him and laughs. “Ass.”

JJ has tattoo ideas enough for a medium-sized village, and most of them revolve around his initials. Otabek can’t decide if it’s incredibly egotistical or a clever marketing campaign for the clothing line JJ has coming up with some company.

Maybe it’s a bit of both.

Otabek watches JJ’s face when the needles of the tattoo machine first pierce his skin. It’s an interesting mixture of pain and pride. Like it’s proof that he’s an adult now, but at the same time adulthood _hurts_.

Otabek resists the urge to hold JJ’s hand, until JJ holds it out and beckons Otabek closer. It’s weird sitting in a public setting holding hands, but then again, who is the tattoo artist going to tell?

After the tattoo on JJ’s right bicep is done, photographed and wrapped up, they exit the shop and get into JJ’s car.

“We’re not supposed to have coffee,” JJ says as he backs out of the parking lot. His parents are super strict about JJ’s diet, especially his caffeine intake.

Otabek grins. “My lips are sealed.” He makes a zipping motion in front of his mouth.

JJ grins back, wide and happy. “Coffee it is, then.”

They get coffee at that Canadian chain that JJ claims is better than Starbucks. Otabek doesn’t say that he can’t taste a difference. A coffeeshop is a coffeeshop, and on this continent they’re all pretty much the same.

They sit at the window table in the coffeeshop, sipping their iced lattes. JJ is looking down at his phone, trying to decide which of the millions of tattoo photos he should post on instagram. Under the table, their legs are entwined, the warmth of body heat welcome in the air-conditioned building.

Finally JJ puts the phone down, having posted several photos on his account. Their hands are on the table, almost touching but never quite closing the gap between their fingers.

Otabek swallows the last of his coffee. The moment of hand-holding in the tattoo parlor has no place in the outside world where anyone can see them.

_Back to reality._

They drive back to the Leroy mansion, and Otabek’s stomach twists when he realizes the sand in his hourglass is nearly depleted. In a few short weeks, he’s going back to Almaty, and then there will be a time difference between them in addition to JJ’s parents.

 

-

 

Over the next few days, Otabek finds himself gravitating toward Anais. Perhaps it’s because she _knows_ , so in her company he doesn’t have to pretend like he’s not dying on the inside every second of the day.

“I think he should tell them about you guys,” Anais says as they sit together in the gazebo overlooking the backyard. “I mean honesty is always better than lying.”

The backyard is full of running and screaming children because one of the younger siblings is hosting a birthday party, but the gazebo is empty aside from Otabek and Anais. JJ is standing on the back deck by the grill, watching the sizzling burger patties while his father is in the basement, fetching more ice from the freezer. JJ looks good in his sleeveless shirt, his healing tattoo slathered in layers of sunblock.

Otabek registers what Anais said and turns to look at her. “He won’t,” Otabek states. They have had this conversation with JJ a few times since the initial argument. “He says he’s not ready.”

Anais nods like she knows this. “I kind of get it, though,” she muses. “If I had to introduce a girlfriend to my parents, I’d be nervous too.”

“But you’d do it,” Otabek says. It’s not a question, but he looks at Anais like it is.

Anais swallows. “Yeah. I mean, if it was—” She cuts herself off, but Otabek knows what she was going to say.

_If it was serious enough._

Which makes it sound like this isn’t serious enough.

Sleeping next to each other every night they possibly can isn’t serious enough?

The hidden looks, touches and kisses, stolen moments and closeness, talking about the future; not serious enough?

Anais looks away like she can read Otabek’s thoughts on his face.

“He’s the oldest. There’s always been a lot of pressure for him to be a role model, an example. I can see he is struggling with this.” Anais reaches out and places a reassuring hand on Otabek’s shoulder. “He really likes you.”

When Otabek looks up, JJ is watching them across the lawn that is crawling with kids. Even across the distance Otabek can see that his brows are furrowed with worry.

 

-

 

JJ doesn’t outright tell his parents, but he lets enough slip that they become suspicious. After dinner one night, they ask to _talk_ to both Otabek and JJ in the study. It’s like an official summons: _come to the study in half an hour, we have something we want to discuss with both of you._ Nothing good can come out of an invitation such as that.

JJ looks nervous as they pace down the hallway toward the study.

“I know what this is about,” JJ mutters. “They know. They’ve guessed. Why else would they ask us to come talk with them like that?”

Otabek nods, quiet.

As they stand outside the study door, JJ swallows nervously a few times, then laces his fingers with Otabek’s. It doesn’t make the situation any better, but it does give a sense of standing united. _If we go down, we go down together._

Otabek can feel the burning gaze aimed at their clasped hands as soon as they enter the room. JJ doesn’t let go, but instead squeezes Otabek’s hand tighter as they sit down across the desk from JJ’s parents.

The situation is exactly the kind of dumpster fire Otabek should have expected.

Which means there is no shouting, no cursing and no disowning of any kind.

Otabek sits with his fingers entwined with JJ’s trembling ones, waiting to hear the judgment while JJ’s parents stare at them. He sees the wheels turning as JJ’s parents mentally go over every moment of Otabek’s stay in the house with a fine-tooth comb. He can see the understanding dawn on their faces as they discover the signs, hidden in the cracks and crevices and swept under the rug.

The two of them taking off alone on an impromptu road trip, then spending almost every waking moment together after said trip. How they’d occasionally act weird around one another as if they’d been fighting, only to go back to spending every waking moment together soon after.

The silence in the room is heavy, oppressive like low barometric pressure before a storm.

Once the initial processing is done, a discussion follows. There are big words tossed around. Responsibility, trust, disappointment.

“We love you no matter what,” says JJ’s mother to her son, but somehow it doesn’t feel like a victory of any kind, because it’s followed by a stern talking-to aimed at Otabek.

“You understand we can’t trust you in our house anymore,” they tell Otabek like he’s now a delinquent with an extensive criminal record. “You have been sneaking behind our backs, in our house, with young children present. That is unacceptable.”

Otabek knows what they are going to say before the words are uttered.

“I’m afraid we’re going to have to send you home as soon as possible.”

“But _maman_ ,” JJ protests.

His mother sighs and JJ swallows whatever he intended to say.

“You’ve been sneaking around with this boy, so you’ve betrayed our trust as well,” JJ’s mother says. “You should know better.”

JJ hangs his head.

Otabek winces at the words. In a matter of moments, he’s been downgraded from first name basis to _this boy_.

He can see what they’re doing. They’re sending him back home so they can undo whatever has been going on under their roof for most of the summer.

JJ is eighteen, so they can’t forbid him from following his heart, but they can try to turn his head. It will only work if JJ allows it to work.

Which is exactly what Otabek is worried about.

The last days before Otabek’s flight home are boring and terrifying. JJ’s parents treat him with polite disdain, and the temperature seems to drop whenever he is in the same room with them. Outside practices and meals, Otabek keeps to himself. He isn’t outright told to stay in his room, but it’s strongly implied that he should. JJ doesn’t sneak into his bed at night, but he texts, telling that he’s under surveillance and can’t come see Otabek.

Otabek’s brain wants to make a reference to Shakespearean star-crossed lovers, but this isn’t exactly the same. No one is going to die, even if it might _feel_ like that, in the late hours of the night when he can’t sleep. Otabek lies on his back on the bed that feels oddly empty without JJ in it.

He spends time torturing himself with thoughts of _what if_ …

It’s clear by now that JJ’s parents finding out about them wasn’t a good thing, even though initially Otabek thought it would be good. He was so wrapped in his own thoughts that it seemed like telling JJ’s parents would solve all their problems. Instead, it only created new ones. He can’t help but wonder if it would have been better to come clean right after the road trip. Finding out by accident weeks into the affair certainly didn’t make things any better.

Otabek is thankful to his own mother for not saying anything when he calls to tell her that he’ll be coming home early. He suspects he has a serious conversation waiting for him when he gets home, though.

Otabek’s flight leaves early in the morning on the day of his departure. After he’s dragged his suitcase down the stairs, it’s only him and JJ’s parents in the kitchen. Otabek has never felt so uncomfortable in his life as they prepare pancakes for him in complete silence.

They all look up when there are footsteps from the kitchen doorway.

JJ walks in, defiant, and sits down in the chair next to Otabek’s at the kitchen island. “I’m coming to the airport too,” he says. “I’ll drive my own car there if I have to.”

His parents exchange a glance, but neither of them says anything. Otabek feels a gush of warmth in his stomach, and he wants to reach out and touch JJ, but instead he stares at his pancakes and pushes them around on his plate. The sickly sweet maple syrup has spread into a puddle around the pancakes and every bite makes him want to throw up.

Another set of footsteps approaches from upstairs, and Anais walks into the kitchen, yawning.

“Morning. Came to say goodbye to Otabek. Ooh, can I have some pancakes too?” She plops down in a chair beside Otabek as if this is a regular morning like any other. Otabek gives her a small smile. It feels good to know he has some support.

Anais hugs Otabek as they get up to leave. “Don’t give up hope,” she whispers in his ear.

The drive to the airport is uncomfortable. Otabek sits alone on the backseat while JJ is ushered to the passenger seat beside his father. Otabek feels JJ’s father’s eyes on him through the rearview mirror, but he doesn’t look up to meet them.

After checking in and dropping his luggage off, they walk Otabek to the security control.

Otabek stops and turns to look at the two pairs of similar blue eyes looking at him; one pair disdainful, the other desperate.

“Thank you for everything,” Otabek says to JJ’s father. “And sorry for causing trouble.” His mother raised him to be polite, so he is polite, even when he only wants to flip the finger at JJ’s father and the world in general for separating them.

He turns to look at JJ and it feels like his airways are swelling shut; like he’s allergic to the thought of leaving, and now his body is in anaphylactic shock. JJ is biting his lip, and he looks like he wants to either turn and run away or tackle-hug Otabek to the floor.

“I guess this is it,” Otabek says, turning to look at JJ.

JJ swallows. “I guess so.”

“I’ll see you at competitions,” Otabek says, trying to keep his voice even.

“ _Beks_ ,” JJ whispers. He takes a desperate step forward, and Otabek drops his backpack on the floor to meet him in the middle. They cling to each other, hugging so tightly that it would take a crowbar to pry them apart.

Otabek presses his face into JJ’s shoulder, inhaling his scent. In this moment, he couldn’t care less what JJ’s father thinks about this. “I’ll miss you,” Otabek mutters.

He’s so close he can feel JJ swallowing. “I’ll miss you too,” JJ says, and with a sideways turn of his head his lips find Otabek’s temple and press a kiss there. Otabek recalls the first time JJ did that, in the fogged-up car on Prince Edward Island sometime before sunrise. The memory makes his chest hurt.

“Call me when you land,” JJ says into Otabek’s hair.

“Alright, boys. Otabek, your flight is leaving soon,” JJ’s father says sternly from behind JJ.

They pull back and look at each other, and then JJ leans in to place a quick kiss on Otabek’s lips. It’s over before Otabek’s brain catches up, but he feels the lingering warmth of the touch as he picks up his backpack and walks numbly toward security control. He turns to look back one more time before putting his shoes on the conveyor belt.

JJ is standing beside his father, looking small and lacking his usual cheerful demeanor. There are tears on his face. Otabek swallows and blinks, raising a hand to give a small wave.

JJ waves back, and then his father says something and they turn away.

Otabek spends the entire flight staring out of the plane window and listening to DnB at a loud volume to try to drown his thoughts.

He’s not very successful in his attempt.

 

-

 

Their interactions in the first few weeks are frequent; long skype calls and constant messaging. Otabek even creates an instagram account so he can keep tabs on JJ’s photos.

Once the practice for the next season begins, the skyping grows more infrequent and the messages more scattered. It’s understandable, because they’re both busy, but it still stings Otabek somewhere deep in his chest. He throws himself into skating with determination, but it doesn’t quite fill the void. For the first weeks, every time he lands a quad sal he wants to throw up.

He makes himself land it again and again until it feels like any other jump. His coach is very impressed with the progress Otabek has made in Canada, but the praise only serves to remind Otabek what once was.

Long distance relationships are hard, but it’s even harder when there isn’t an agreement about what this is. They haven’t assigned a label for this, there were no promises except to keep in touch. Over the course of the summer, there were feelings involved that Otabek doesn’t dare to name, but the longer they are apart, the more difficult it is to remember what everything felt like. What it was like to sleep beside JJ, what JJ’s lips felt against his, how his hair smelled. All Otabek knows is that it hurts.

Otabek has been home in Almaty for five weeks when JJ calls him on his phone.

It’s strange, because usually they message each other or talk over skype, but now JJ is calling Otabek’s phone. Otabek stares at the screen for a moment. Ever since he came home he has expected this. The _‘we need to talk’_ call.

He accepts the call and brings the device to his ear.

“Hello?”

He listens to JJ stammer through a lot of explanations and reasons why it’s best for them to just move on. They live on different continents, eventually it’s only going to tear them apart.

“ _I, uh_.” JJ pauses for a moment. “ _I wanted you to hear this from me before it’s all over social media_.”

Otabek closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He doesn’t need to hear more to know what this is about.

“ _Otabek?_ ” JJ’s voice sounds small. “ _I’m sorry_.”

“I’m sure she’s nice.” Otabek doesn’t even try to cover the hurt in his voice.

“ _I’m sorry_.” JJ says again. He sounds like he’s in pain. “ _I didn’t mean for this to happen. It’s… I’m sorry. I care about you a lot, you know? It’s just, it’s_ —”

 _Easier this way_ , Otabek finishes silently in his head. _Easier to introduce a girl to your parents_. “I understand,” he says, and his voice sounds alien as it echoes in his head.

“ _We can still be friends, right?_ ” JJ pleads.

Otabek lets out a hollow laugh. “We’ll see.”

When the call ends, Otabek blocks JJ’s number and all his social media accounts and sets out on a long journey.

Journey destination: a town called _forget that boy_. Travel time: _unknown_.

 

-

 

Otabek’s first season in seniors is uneventful aside from bronze at the Worlds. He and JJ only share one skating event over the course of the season, so Otabek doesn’t have to make many disappearing acts to avoid him.

It’s painful to watch JJ’s skating videos but Otabek watches them nonetheless. It’s good to know what his competitors are capable of. But he tortures himself by watching JJ’s videos more often than anyone else’s. By the end of the season, he feels numb enough to face JJ next season like it’s no big deal.

After the season is over, Otabek considers growing out his undercut, but he likes the way it looks so he maintains it. People are saying he’s copying King Leroy’s hairstyle, but people can talk all they want. It’s not like the words can hurt him.

Next season, it’s sheer luck that he and JJ don’t skate in any of the same events.

Until the Grand Prix Final.

Otabek is determined to keep to himself and not socialize with anyone, because where there’s socializing, there’s always JJ.

He’s attempting to leave the hotel unnoticed when it happens: the thing he’s been trying to avoid since that phone call over a year ago.

“Otabek!”

The familiar voice stops Otabek dead in his tracks.

Otabek schools his face to an expressionless mask as JJ approaches to ask where he’s going and then suggests that he go out to dinner with them.

 _Them_.

Otabek’s gaze shifts from JJ to the beautiful girl hanging off JJ’s arm. So, this is Isabella, who probably has no idea of the history and baggage lacing this conversation.

“Thanks, but I’ll pass,” Otabek manages to say, keeping his voice as expressionless as his face.

JJ frowns at the words, but the shift in his expression is so minute it’s unnoticeable to anyone who doesn’t know what to look for. For a second, their eyes meet and Otabek has to force himself to keep up the act of nonchalance.

From the corner of his eye, Otabek sees a flash of blond from the other side of the lobby. He hears the familiar flow of Russian and turns to look.

He doesn’t even care that he gets called an asshole for staring, because it’s that boy he saw at Yakov’s training camp some years back. The one with fierce eyes and enough determination for an army.

_Yuri Plisetsky._

Yuri has grown taller and his hair is longer then last time Otabek saw him in real life. He’s still no giant, and his figure is lean like a ballet dancer’s. Yuri has angular features and a body that looks frail even though it is anything but. And those eyes; still fierce and determined. Otabek has watched Yuri’s skating videos leading up to the GPF. In the videos, Yuri is always ethereal in his glittery skating costumes, gliding effortlessly across the ice. However, the real thing in plain black jeans and a leopard print hoodie outshines every one of those videos.

Yuri Plisetsky in skating videos has an aura of otherworldly grace. In real life, Otabek can see that he is strong, driven and damn gorgeous.

And _angry_ , Otabek notes with dry amusement as Yuri curses him out in a mixture of Russian and English.

Otabek leaves the hotel and makes a promise to himself. Actually, two promises.

_One, forget King Undercut ever existed. And two, talk to Yuri Plisetsky before leaving Barcelona._

So that’s exactly what he does.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I feel so bad for making JJ look like an asshole and Isabella like a bitch who stole him, because I love them both dearly. /o\
> 
> But for the purpose of this fic is was necessary (and since this is told from Otabek's POV, it's possible he's slightly unreliable). Either way I'm sorry, JJ, I will make it up to you in the next fic. ♥
> 
> Thank you for reading. This fic was a purely self-indulgent project that I got inspired to write ever since I got a mental image of JJ and Otabek in a sports car and JJ asking, "Are we really doing this?" (Yeah, that was the entire inspiration behind this. My mind went to places from there.)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a song by The Shins, because every teen road trip fic is also a song fic. I don't make the rules.  
> -  
> Thanks to [thoughtsappear](http://thoughtsappear.tumblr.com/) and [voxane](http://voxane.tumblr.com/) for beta reading and suggestions.


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